PIECES OF ME

I am in a bus heading to work.Between me and anything else,I only have Kshs. 80 now if your currency is in dollars,currently in my country,that's less than a dollar.So,I know how I will get to work but have no idea how I will get me back home.But I prayed in the morning and I asked Jehovah Jireh- the Lord Provider to come through for me.
As I am heading to the stage,I meet a friend of mine who,when we get to the bus,decides to sit on a seat behind me and then asks me quite loudly enough if he can pay my fare.A little embarrassed, but I agree because that right there is money I have saved.The woman next to me looks at me funnily and I can only imagine what went through her mind....

Fare paid and the journey begins and my mind gets busy with thoughts.I wished I had a way of putting down the thoughts but well,wishing has never amounted to much really.And I look at my lovely handbag,it is actually lovely.I bought it from a young lady who is deaf and dumb.For once,I did not bargain...This is the same bag I have been using for the past number of months.I have another,but it's a little too big for daily use so it is used once in a while and I think to myself,how I can't wait for that time when I will have a number of bags at my disposal.Maybe,I actually don't want a whole closet of bags,just enough for me to know I have options.Options are always good. And this thought sparks a dozen other little thoughts....

I do not come from a rich family,though growing up,I never did lack the basics of life and a few luxuries here and there.My parents retired when I was 14 and moved up country.I was from then on brought up by my older siblings,mainly my sister,she is one of my heroes,my icon and role model,all wrapped into one.She is one of those people you would encourage young girls to look up to.She is a lovely person really and I am blessed to have her as my one and only sister.Back to the richness and all.I think like Paul I can say that I know what it is to have plenty and to almost have nothing but the one thing that has always remained is that God has always been faithful.And I have learned the art of contentment.

You will realize,there is no specific flow of thoughts.But if you read my work by now you probably know that...So,my mind still taking me through a number of thoughts,I come to this part which I am the least proud of...For much of my teenage hood,I sought approval and mainly it was from men.I had a low self esteem and my second high school seemed to fuel it as I faced a lot of hatred from the girls.I don't know why,I never understood but I was a victim of gossip and malice and I think it was so much that I got to a point I started thinking there was something wrong with me.The tears I cried...God only knows.Anyway,I barely survived it and on leaving high school,I had such a skewed image of myself and the first man who showed interest in me won a jack pot of sorts,me.Actually it was more of a black pot because I was so messed up,only God knew.And that opened a can of wrong relationships.I was in them for the simple reason I felt I needed another human being for me to be alive.I got to a point where I started to receive healing and was able to break the cycle of relationships and kept off dating for a while but my need for approval kept appearing once in a while.The next level of it was me wanting to be identified with certain people because I thought that gave me some sort of importance.And thank God for my beauty.Seriously,it has won me sittings with some high and mighty people in society and when I would tell my friends about my encounters,it was more to make them think I am on point because I'm balling with high rollers but as Solomon said,it was all in vain.I know a few who saw me when they wanted to and didn't treat me like the princess I am but I stayed because I was getting some sort of satisfaction from the fact that they had my numbers but God keeps telling me I am better than that,if only I can see me through His eyes,I would never be anyone's doormat...

I have a boyfriend now.A man who loves and adores me and I think at times I have to pinch myself to make sure it is real.That someone actually loves me and they are not just using me but they actually care.He is amazing and I can promise you,I keep reminding me that this is real and he is mine and I don't have to do anything drastic to get his attention or anything.Given,there's a lot of work to be done.More by me than he because he knows who he is and what he wants.I am still finding that out for me but at this point,I know I would love to grow old with him by my side.I have so many scars that at times make me hold back but it's a fight I intend on winning so hey...if he is mine,he will be there when I cross the finish line;when my insecurities surrender to my freedom.I do love him for he has shown me what true love is and well...I don't know if this will rub him off the wrong way.He is a pretty private person and I on the other hand,I am a writer and for writers,your experiences make for the juiciest stories but I will respect him and keep him out of my words as much as possible,unless and only if,he gives me the permission to do so.I just had to let you know that I have something good going for me.That there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel and the sun does rise again,no matter how long the night is.

My mama is another one of my heroes.She once was a tailor and I can assure you I loved it when she would come up with something for me.There were these petty coats that she loved making for me.They were a cute blue and I think made if cotton so that I could wear them like sun dresses,only indoors,in the name of fitting.Now I know why blue was my favorite color,sky blue to be specific.I loved coming home from school and get her home with tea ready and some warm water for me to bath.I guess that's why when she moved upcountry when I was 13 it hit me so hard.I love her you know.I'm not sure if she did finish her schooling or not.She is about 63 now.For a long while I was bitter with her because I thought she didn't love me when she left but through some small acts here and there,I no longer doubt her love.And maybe we cannot sit down and talk with her about the latest fashion but she is my one and only mama and for that I will love to eternity.I think at times as children,we are so self centred,we never stop to think just how hard it is for our parents sometimes.We rarely stop to appreciate them because we are busy thinking of what we don't have and blaming them,times because they can't afford what we want.I remember this one time in high school.It was visiting day and my mama came with a black paper bag.In it she had minimal supplies for me.nothing fancy.A tube of toothpaste,tissue and the food she had cooked for me.Things were tough that she couldn't cook enough for us to eat so she just brought enough for me.And looking at how other students had bags and bags from the supermarkets,she told me not to worry that she couldn't afford all that.And my heart has never broken and hurt so much like that.I told her just seeing her and spending time with her was more than any amount of money could buy and that I understood and knew that if she had the means she would have but for now,I was ok with what was there.I may not know exactly but I believe it hurts a parent so much when they cannot give the best to their children.So,do not think for a minute it is easy on them.It bothers them but they wear a brave face for our sake and maybe shed a few tears in the privacy of their rooms,praying that we will make something better of ourselves and get more out of life than they were ever able to give us.I know I can never be grateful enough but mama,I love you so much and for the times I expected perfection from you,I apologize because now I know better and I know your love for me is true and unconditional...

What about my father,you may be wondering.Well,he is around and he has turned out to be one of my best friends.Well,the man has a lot of wisdom.He advices me every so often and he wants the best for me.I think at times parents mess up and they don't know how to get back to being parents again and it breaks them,not knowing how re- relate with their children.My dad has messed up here and there,but again,who hasn't?And there is this specific incidence that he said some things that made me cry so much but he was drunk so hey...and mama was there to tell me not to keep them in my heart and I remembered one of John Carson's preachings where he says that we are to honor our father and mother,whether they are the best or the worst,we are to honor them because,it is not they who wrote or spoke that commandment but it is God and so we are to obey God,even when it does not make sense because he knows best and there are rewards of obeying him so when it gets difficult,just remember it's about God and not your parents.I was able to forgive him and we have a beautiful relationship now.

Like Martin Luther,I have a dream and mine is simple.That I will live in love,live to love,that love will be my only debt to anyone.That happiness will forever be a part of my life,that I will thrive to be my best and keep the art of being content.I have had a lot of ups and downs and I know they will always be there but I am happy with my life.With all the drama,I would never change me for another.

I currently am working at an advertising agency and you better watch out because there are some deadly adverts coming your way...I am extra ordinary and with God blessing the work of my hands,just watch this space.

Mad love.

xoxo

MB.

changes....

so,hi,i want to put some direction in this blog page of mine by handling different issues on different days of the week.i'm very good at breaking rules but we will see if we will be able to obey....
Monday - Monday Blues
Just from the weekend this will be for any highlights that happened over the weekend and anything that is considered blue..

Tuesday - Professional Tuesdays
today,i will share the much or little knowledge i have gathered so far from my experiences and those that i am still getting to learn and those that i learn from others like books and stuff.

Wednesday - Spiritual Wednesday
This will be for words of inspiration from the great book,The Bible and from my experiences and from what i heard on Sunday or something.it will be a day for communing with the Supreme Being.

Thursday - Social issues
maybe i should say socio-economic-political issues.yeah.stuff that are within these boundaries shall be covered on this day

Friday - Relational Fridays
mhmm,if you are a kenyan we call it furahi day.it has graduated from members day.anyway,today,i shall be writing about relationships.with family,friends,enemies,colleagues and that one person who makes our heart skip a beat or go paragasha!i shall share from my many experiences and other peoples and from wherever basically.

I hope that for you who are frequent readers of my blog,you will get a lot more out of it now.that it will at least be worth your while,for stopping by to read.oh,and if y'all can comment with whatever remarks,i would appreciate.feedback is key to growth.

have a lovely evening/day,depending on which side of the planet you are,

humbly
MB.

issues with me

I have struggled with self esteem for a while.Wait,is it that or self image?I'm not sure.Something to do with not feeling good enough,wanting to be like so and so because you feel their lives are way much better than yours.Yeah,its been a major battle for me and though I have come a long way,I still find myself going back to the battle field every once in a while.I have to remind myself that i am ok just as i am.that we all have our paths that are all different and so none is better than the other,only different.I look at some of the girls my age and i am left in awe.they seem to have achieved so much,yet i still am struggling.i wonder,'do their days have more hours than mine?'i feel inadequate.i have never felt un pretty,but of little worth,yes.And this because i mistake my identity to be what i am instead of who i am.see,you are who you are,i am who i am.we are where we are,because of the circumstances that we have met with and how we have handled them.we go through similar experiences but because we are different,our reactions are different and every choice we make leads to another step,a certain direction.so we never can be the same nor can we be better than the other person because we all have our different battles to fight and our back grounds vary hence shaping us into the people we are or how we think.there is a lot that usually goes into someone doing things the way they do.we just never have time to find that out and hence end up making un informed decisions.
I am imperfect.totally.i got flaws,from here to 100th floor but even in my imperfections i am ok.God died for me in this imperfect state of mine,and if he could find something to love than imperfection isn't the worst thing that could have happened to me.today i made a choice,not to compare me with anyone else.me the who,not me the what.the what can always be compared because it can always be changed but the who cannot.the who is my dna.that which flows in my veins and that cannot change.i need to learn to separate the two then i guess i will be ok.
perfectly imperfect and proud.

dressing the part

I woke up today,to the new house I moved to,on the floor,of course on a mattress and trying to come up with an out fit,from the suitcase,which has not yet been unpacked proved to be a very daunting task.I came up with is something I would rather not wear to the office but it is semi casual so,i settle on it coz time also was not on my side.I have cool bosses who do not emphasize so much on the dress code,as long as you are presentable but I am reading a book that advises to dress for the job i want not the one i have.I noticed something,that when I am well dressed,it makes me more confident.And I want the power suits kind of dressing.I want that professional look.The suit,the stockings,the hills(not necessarily) but you know what I mean.I want to look like an executive someone.The way you look determines a lot how people will treat you,so I want to make it a point to always look my best.Got to open an account for that now,i guess...

Word for today,God or the world

Morning.It's a beautiful cold morning in Nairobi Kenya but I am surviving.So,I got this new job,where net is free,totally awesome.Means I will be writing more,especially now that we are not that busy.
I have decided to start a column called word for today and it will be me sharing my Bible Study lessons with you.I hope you will be blessed and encouraged.Oh,you can check out my other blog,imperfectous.wordpress.com.I have chosen to dedicate that to poetry only.
Word for today is from 1 John 2:15-27.Talks about love for the world and love for God.
We cannot serve two masters at a time.We have to choose which one to be loyal to.God and the world are opposites of each other and both want different things and demand different things.Both demands are hard at times but i have come to learn that whatever God asks of us is ultimately for our good.Like His rules and commands are all for our benefit.The world on the other hand cares not about you and me.It just has its rules and if you do not follow you are branded shady and some other names but it really does not do anything to honestly improve your life.
So we are born in this world but we are not of this world ie,as believers of Jesus.We are just passers by but we tend to get comfortable,too comfortable I should say,that times we end up surpassing the world people,beating them at their own game.There is need for a difference.Between a born again someone and one who is not.When those difference cease from being and its not because the non believer has converted,then there is an issue right there.
So,a lot of us decide to do double standards.One foot here and the other one there.Problem is these are the people God says he will spit out of his mouth.Now,I don't know the implications and im not sure I would like to find out.Isn't it hard though,living two different lives though one and truth is,it will catch up with you and you end up losing both.
Make a choice.Choose who it is you want to be associated with and stick to your choice.If you are a Christian,living a double life,ask yourself why?Find out what is still holding you back?What is this that you just can't let go?What is its advantage to you?Is it worth your life really?Be honest with yourself and make the choice that will work for you best.That which you will be able to live with for the rest of your life.
God or the world?