I am in a bus heading to work.Between me and anything else,I only have Kshs. 80 now if your currency is in dollars,currently in my country,that's less than a dollar.So,I know how I will get to work but have no idea how I will get me back home.But I prayed in the morning and I asked Jehovah Jireh- the Lord Provider to come through for me.
As I am heading to the stage,I meet a friend of mine who,when we get to the bus,decides to sit on a seat behind me and then asks me quite loudly enough if he can pay my fare.A little embarrassed, but I agree because that right there is money I have saved.The woman next to me looks at me funnily and I can only imagine what went through her mind....
Fare paid and the journey begins and my mind gets busy with thoughts.I wished I had a way of putting down the thoughts but well,wishing has never amounted to much really.And I look at my lovely handbag,it is actually lovely.I bought it from a young lady who is deaf and dumb.For once,I did not bargain...This is the same bag I have been using for the past number of months.I have another,but it's a little too big for daily use so it is used once in a while and I think to myself,how I can't wait for that time when I will have a number of bags at my disposal.Maybe,I actually don't want a whole closet of bags,just enough for me to know I have options.Options are always good. And this thought sparks a dozen other little thoughts....
I do not come from a rich family,though growing up,I never did lack the basics of life and a few luxuries here and there.My parents retired when I was 14 and moved up country.I was from then on brought up by my older siblings,mainly my sister,she is one of my heroes,my icon and role model,all wrapped into one.She is one of those people you would encourage young girls to look up to.She is a lovely person really and I am blessed to have her as my one and only sister.Back to the richness and all.I think like Paul I can say that I know what it is to have plenty and to almost have nothing but the one thing that has always remained is that God has always been faithful.And I have learned the art of contentment.
You will realize,there is no specific flow of thoughts.But if you read my work by now you probably know that...So,my mind still taking me through a number of thoughts,I come to this part which I am the least proud of...For much of my teenage hood,I sought approval and mainly it was from men.I had a low self esteem and my second high school seemed to fuel it as I faced a lot of hatred from the girls.I don't know why,I never understood but I was a victim of gossip and malice and I think it was so much that I got to a point I started thinking there was something wrong with me.The tears I cried...God only knows.Anyway,I barely survived it and on leaving high school,I had such a skewed image of myself and the first man who showed interest in me won a jack pot of sorts,me.Actually it was more of a black pot because I was so messed up,only God knew.And that opened a can of wrong relationships.I was in them for the simple reason I felt I needed another human being for me to be alive.I got to a point where I started to receive healing and was able to break the cycle of relationships and kept off dating for a while but my need for approval kept appearing once in a while.The next level of it was me wanting to be identified with certain people because I thought that gave me some sort of importance.And thank God for my beauty.Seriously,it has won me sittings with some high and mighty people in society and when I would tell my friends about my encounters,it was more to make them think I am on point because I'm balling with high rollers but as Solomon said,it was all in vain.I know a few who saw me when they wanted to and didn't treat me like the princess I am but I stayed because I was getting some sort of satisfaction from the fact that they had my numbers but God keeps telling me I am better than that,if only I can see me through His eyes,I would never be anyone's doormat...
I have a boyfriend now.A man who loves and adores me and I think at times I have to pinch myself to make sure it is real.That someone actually loves me and they are not just using me but they actually care.He is amazing and I can promise you,I keep reminding me that this is real and he is mine and I don't have to do anything drastic to get his attention or anything.Given,there's a lot of work to be done.More by me than he because he knows who he is and what he wants.I am still finding that out for me but at this point,I know I would love to grow old with him by my side.I have so many scars that at times make me hold back but it's a fight I intend on winning so hey...if he is mine,he will be there when I cross the finish line;when my insecurities surrender to my freedom.I do love him for he has shown me what true love is and well...I don't know if this will rub him off the wrong way.He is a pretty private person and I on the other hand,I am a writer and for writers,your experiences make for the juiciest stories but I will respect him and keep him out of my words as much as possible,unless and only if,he gives me the permission to do so.I just had to let you know that I have something good going for me.That there is usually a light at the end of the tunnel and the sun does rise again,no matter how long the night is.
My mama is another one of my heroes.She once was a tailor and I can assure you I loved it when she would come up with something for me.There were these petty coats that she loved making for me.They were a cute blue and I think made if cotton so that I could wear them like sun dresses,only indoors,in the name of fitting.Now I know why blue was my favorite color,sky blue to be specific.I loved coming home from school and get her home with tea ready and some warm water for me to bath.I guess that's why when she moved upcountry when I was 13 it hit me so hard.I love her you know.I'm not sure if she did finish her schooling or not.She is about 63 now.For a long while I was bitter with her because I thought she didn't love me when she left but through some small acts here and there,I no longer doubt her love.And maybe we cannot sit down and talk with her about the latest fashion but she is my one and only mama and for that I will love to eternity.I think at times as children,we are so self centred,we never stop to think just how hard it is for our parents sometimes.We rarely stop to appreciate them because we are busy thinking of what we don't have and blaming them,times because they can't afford what we want.I remember this one time in high school.It was visiting day and my mama came with a black paper bag.In it she had minimal supplies for me.nothing fancy.A tube of toothpaste,tissue and the food she had cooked for me.Things were tough that she couldn't cook enough for us to eat so she just brought enough for me.And looking at how other students had bags and bags from the supermarkets,she told me not to worry that she couldn't afford all that.And my heart has never broken and hurt so much like that.I told her just seeing her and spending time with her was more than any amount of money could buy and that I understood and knew that if she had the means she would have but for now,I was ok with what was there.I may not know exactly but I believe it hurts a parent so much when they cannot give the best to their children.So,do not think for a minute it is easy on them.It bothers them but they wear a brave face for our sake and maybe shed a few tears in the privacy of their rooms,praying that we will make something better of ourselves and get more out of life than they were ever able to give us.I know I can never be grateful enough but mama,I love you so much and for the times I expected perfection from you,I apologize because now I know better and I know your love for me is true and unconditional...
What about my father,you may be wondering.Well,he is around and he has turned out to be one of my best friends.Well,the man has a lot of wisdom.He advices me every so often and he wants the best for me.I think at times parents mess up and they don't know how to get back to being parents again and it breaks them,not knowing how re- relate with their children.My dad has messed up here and there,but again,who hasn't?And there is this specific incidence that he said some things that made me cry so much but he was drunk so hey...and mama was there to tell me not to keep them in my heart and I remembered one of John Carson's preachings where he says that we are to honor our father and mother,whether they are the best or the worst,we are to honor them because,it is not they who wrote or spoke that commandment but it is God and so we are to obey God,even when it does not make sense because he knows best and there are rewards of obeying him so when it gets difficult,just remember it's about God and not your parents.I was able to forgive him and we have a beautiful relationship now.
Like Martin Luther,I have a dream and mine is simple.That I will live in love,live to love,that love will be my only debt to anyone.That happiness will forever be a part of my life,that I will thrive to be my best and keep the art of being content.I have had a lot of ups and downs and I know they will always be there but I am happy with my life.With all the drama,I would never change me for another.
I currently am working at an advertising agency and you better watch out because there are some deadly adverts coming your way...I am extra ordinary and with God blessing the work of my hands,just watch this space.
Mad love.
xoxo
MB.
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