Moving,judging,etc etc

Wow.I actually love the poem iv just written about being hurt and letting go.Kudos to me.It's been a while since I wrote something and was proud of.This I am.I shall submit it and see if it will be picked for the performance.
I need to move out from one my next of kin's house.I think my life is too social to be handled by anyone else but myself.Like,I don't have an issues with getting home at 10,as long as I was not doing anything fishy and I have means to get there safely.But that's just me.So,I am looking for a house,left right centre and whichever other direction one can look.I need to move.One of my downfall is my lack of decision making.I am quite indecisive.Times when I see it,then I'll know that's what I want.Right now,all I know is I want an affordable house somewhere within nairobi.I know,i'm terrible but is ok coz Jesus loves me anyway!
I listened to Joel Osteen on Sunday and he was all about not judging other people because you never know where they are coming from that our work is to love each other back tot wholeness because truth is we always need each other at some point.We all have moments when we want someone to just understand us.Not question just understand.He also said,when we make judgments,we usually only have one side of the story.When we flip the coin,we usually are embarrassed of what we had said or thought earlier.
I am trying to practice this.I am currently not whole myself,but I have friends who are helping me with that.I can help someone else though.I am not completely broken down.I still have strength to uplift another and I'm also planning to learn how to keep my comments to myself unless they are really helpful or at least until I have seen both sides of the coin.It is difficult because it is always much easier to talk someone down but it's possible to also just have positive thoughts towards ithers and when the negative ones come,you just stop them before they mature.It is hard work but nothing good ever comes easy right?

I think I will write a book of how just to hang in there and know that every storm that comes our way will always pass.Nothing in this world is permanet.Even the good times don't last forever so.....

I love that I can write.I love that God created me in such a way that I would love writing.It helps me stay sane.It helps me sift through things.It just is a part of me that i so love.Hmm...hope reading through my blog page actually adds some value to your life...coz me writing fills me up so much.
Later.

you hurt me...but i let go

I got this title from poetry spot of All Saints Cathedral.It is an amazing topic I believe because we have all been hurt.Some we have let go of,others,we still old onto lest we forget what was done to us and fall in the same trap again.Now,I have become a quite poor writer,a week can go by without a meeting between my pen and my journal.Not good at all.Not even healthy but I am changing.I will make it my goal to write something every single day so God help me please.

Here I am once again
At your graveside yet again
How many years has it been?
I lost track of counting
It has been a while though
I now I'm almost getting married
I am engaged actually
To my prince charming
He is imperfectly perfect for me
Someone actually loves me
Not for anything more than who I am

It's funny though
You always made me feel incomplete
Like there was something I was missing
You treated me so badly,
I didn't know what it was
To be treated like royalty
That's how he makes me feel
Beautiful and precious
The very things you robbed me off.

When I met him,
I didn't give him attention
He was one of your species
I cared less
Yet,no matter how cold I was
He seemed to get warmer
I couldn't understand why
He later told me it was my eyes
He saw something in them.
I went and looked at my eyes
I stared at the mirror for such a long time
I didn't see anything

I pushed him away
But gently he stayed on
He was a puzzle to me
You made me believe
I could interest none.
But you were wrong
And I'm so glad you were

I accepted one of his many date invitations
No,I wasn't going to listen to him
He was going to leave me alone that day
We met and I didn't even smile
It wouldn't make a difference.
I ordered a drink and I pressed play
I was giving him reasons why
He should forget me and move on

I told him
You don't want me
You don't even like me
Your mind is just playing tricks on you
I am worthless and ugly
I have never been beautiful
I once felt it
But someone I trusted
Told me I wasn't
You don't want a life with me
A life with half a woman
You see,I'm no virgin
My innocence was stolen years ago
I'm just an empty person
With frozen feelings
My own father abused me
Over and over
And my mother could do nothing
She too was a victim
I am angry and wounded
And I hate your type
Paul did it
I'll die single.

I'm sure you laughed at that
When I spoke
It made you feel good
That though you were gone
I still was your prisoner.

I cried so much
I hadn't meant to
But I did
Seated on a table at a classy restaurant
I wept like a baby
And I couldn't stop
And I couldn't walk away
I felt weak on my knees
I sat there,buried my face in my hands
I wept the more.

He sat there in silence
Passing me one napkin after the next
I don't know how many centuries it was
But I finally stopped
I looked up into his eyes
I couldn't speak
We stared into each others eyes
For what seemed like an eternity
Before we left the restaurant
No words spoken
He dropped me home
And off to bed I went.
That was the beginning of my
Happily ever after

To cut the long story short
He has loved me faithfully
Like the kiss that brought back color
To snow white's pale skin
His love has nursed me to wholeness
He introduced me to Jesus
The one I blamed for all my woes
And He has transformed me
He has given me beauty for ashes dad
I can't believe I just called you 'dad'
My life is now beautiful
With God at the throne of my life
And he by my side
I couldn't ask for more

It has been a long while
I didn't attend your funeral you know
I thought I'd actually burst out laughing
And maybe blub about your actions
You were a respectable member of the society
I walk down the aisle in a month's time
I needed to close this chapter
To start the next one well
So dad,I forgive you
I let you go
You didn't know better
Or maybe that's just
My consolation
I carried flowers for you
I actually wish you were here
To walk me down the aisle
The love of God has filled my heart
Love is all I can do.

You hurt me...real bad
But today,
I let you go.

THE DIRECTOR

Life is an ever unfolding drama.I think God has our script but we are never keen enough to look at it so we go on stage with our ignorance and we find ourselves in some scenes we have no idea what we are supposed to do and we end up feeling quite embarrassed.Some of us are better actors and actresses than others and so we are able to think on our feet and come up with something to say though it was not on the script and somehow we sail through,because God looks at us with His grace and makes it work out at the end of it still.
Drama,that's where my life falls into.My life is so full of drama at times I just wonder.Is it me or is that just my script?I don't know.What I do know is I have always pulled through even some of those scenes where I thought I was not cut out for,I have always pulled through.Yeah,my Director was not asleep when He chose me for the part He did and with His directing,I always do pull through.At times I amaze myself.I look back and I go like 'That couldn't possibly be me!'And my Director looks at me and goes like 'Well,what do you know?'With a smile,not insultingly.
There is another scene starting in my life.I am a little scared(as usual) but I look at my previous screenings and I take comfort in knowing that I am with the same Director and hence He will help me bring the best out of me.All I need to do is trust Him.It's difficult,I am fighting with my mind trying to keep afloat.Trying not to run away and delay the production but I'm scared.I have talked to my Director about it and He has said its ok.He will not leave nor forsake me and He will be with me every step of the way.He's also let me know that it is ok to be scared as long as I don't stop there.So yeah,I shall go into the studio and read my script and play my part.I may not know how it will end but it's ok,because He knows and that's all I need,really to go on.
This is a vague version.Not detailed.Maybe you will get to read the detailed version but for now,I just need you to know that this awesome Director I work with is also your Director and He is the coolest ever.So do not be afraid.Whatever it is you are going through.Whatever point of your life you are at.Don't be afraid.You can put your trust in Him and He won't let you down.
Oh,my Director,He's called God,just in case you were wondering....

writing

Wow.I need to commit to writing.Like seriously,i need to commit.i need to write more often because writing is what I am about really and it does help me figure myself out.So,yeah.I commit to write more.New year's resolution.My year.I turn 24 in 8days now.I have been doing a count down on my life and I want 24 to be a new start for me.A better,more improved me.So I have been working on me.Taking walks down memory lane to find out what baggage I need to leave behind and what stuff I need to acquire to make me better and it's working.I have learned a lot now I only need to apply my findings and I will be set.
My best friend wants to get me published.Wow!That sounds almost insane to me.Like good insane!I guess,I have been battling with, 'Will anyone really spend their time and money,to buy and read what I have written?'And another voice asks, 'Well,if you don't like what you do,then no one else will either,so its up to you but you know people love your writing.'Aaarggghhhh!It's fear.One of the demons in my closet that I am fighting.Fear of the unknown yet I will not know unless I venture into the unknown,right?So I will get serious.Do I like my writing?Yes.So that's all I need to do and I need to figure out what exactly I want to write on....No.I can't limit myself like that.Ok,if I have a specific project,then yes but I can't say I will become a romance writer or politics.Yeah,there are people who do that.They specialize.I think I love knowing I have options.Options are good.I don't like feeling like I am in a box of sorts.I like knowing that I am free.Ok,of course that does not apply to my boyfriend and I.Yeah,that would be not so good.It applies to certain things not all.So Emily,I will get my act together and will give you something pretty soon and yes the cards also.I am drawing up a plan.I need a plan.
Ummm...I don't think it will be good for me to mix this with the other writing I am thinking of so let me end here and start on another page.
Thanks.

A beautiful Monday morning

It is a beautiful Monday morning.Like it's a Monday and I am actually enjoying it.Well,could be as a result of the relaxed weekend I had with no one else but myself.Me time they call it.It actually works.Just you,lazying in the house,doing nothing much but watch a lot of movies and spend time doing what you like best,in my world,getting arty.I'm not very sure if arty is an actual english word but you get my point.
So,I walk into the office,spirits all up and head straight to the boss's office.He is supposed to give me a go ahead on a certain project I have been working very hard on.A project that could turn this company around and set it ahead of its competitors'.
"Good morning Linda.It is a fine morning,don't you agree?" She looks like she had just closed her eyes when morning came and gave me that look of 'what is so good about the morning'.I ignore it and with a broad smile on my face I lean on her desk and ask if the boss is in and if I can see him.She just nods and seems to with that the world could just leave her alone.Monday blues.
I knock ad push the door simultaneously and i find my arch rival having a chat with the boss.Now,why God decided that our paths,Natalie's and mine would forever I cross,I do not know.We were in high school together,bumped into each other in campus and for our internship,we ended up in the same company and yes,you guessed it right,we both got employed in the same company.They said the competition was good for them.At least that's two staff that they don't have to worry much about because in our bid to out do each other,we gave our best.
I don't hate her.By all means no.I just can't stand her.We both are beautiful.Both quite intelligent.Both very talented and I have to say,the competition was brought about by other people always trying to compare us and soon enough we just both couldn't stand each other.When we got employed,I thought I could be the bigger person and call it truce and have us work together.We wee never meant to be buddies,that's for sure but I for one was tired of all the competition and I wanted out even if it meant her priding in the fact i had surrendered to her.I did not care much at this point but she had other plans.Suffice to say,she did not accept to shake my hand and I left it at that,never to be bothered again.
We had been asked to come up with ideas on how to improve the ratings of the maaziee,given a time period and the idea chosen would get a very good package.So again,a race tat had arted with many,got down to Natalie and I and here she was laughing with the boss,this early beautiful,Monday morning.
"Excuse me Boss,morning.Natalie.Um,maybe I'll just come back later being that you already have company."
"It's ok Gem,Nat was on her way out."To Natalie he said, "I will think about it but I must say,I like it very much."She got up and cat walked her way out,like I cared.
Mr.Steve,our Boss,motioned me to have a seat.My smile had not left my face.Not even Natalie could take it away.I started sharing my concept and my Boss seemed a bit bothered.So I stopped and asked what the problem was.He looked at me and said that my idea was quite similar to Natalie's.I almost chocked.I had not shared this information with anyone else but my father and my.....'Please God let it not be him because...'I thought in my head.He looked at me,my boss I mean and asked who was copying who.Oh he just did not use the C word on me.That's why she had come in so early.She wanted to talk to the boss first and make it look like her idea and make me look like a fool.I told Steve," Boss,I don't know what's happening here but I can assure you this is my baby.I mean,this is not what Natalie has been presenting through out.I agree I did not give out the juiciest parts earlier on in the psentations but this is more consistent with my work than hers.Honestly sir."
She buzzed his secretary and asked for Natalie.She knew what she had done and entered the office with a sly smile.
"You asked for me?"
"Sit down Natalie," Steve said.now,i know you both come from far and competing is your thing but this is serious business right here.can you both explain to me how you have similar ideas.That' an under statement.Identical?"
He showed me Natalie's presentation and all of a sudden it was too hot.I could hardly speak.I looked at her and back at Mr. Steve and all I could say is " Sir,I don't know how she got this but I can assure you this is my work" I looked at Natalie and asked "What did you give him or threaten him with for him to betray me like this?"
"I know not what thou talketh about,"she said.She knew.Every time she was guilty,she reverted to the Shakespear English.
"Gemini," Steve called out my name.I looked at him and back at Natalie and I said, "Steve,you better not endorse this as Natalie's because the law suit that will come your way will be so huge,you will not know what hit you,"
"Are you threatening me Gemini?" Steve asked.
"No, Sir,I'm quitting.And this is just a warning.If you dare use even one little idea of my project,I shall see you in court.Oh yes Natalie,I guess your source did not tell you that I had my work copy righted.It is too good an idea to just leave it hanging around like that,you know." At Steve,"It has been a pleasure working with and for you but I must say,it's time for me to leave.I think this compan has grown too small for Natalie and I to fit."
I stood up and walked out.That was not my intention in the morning when I was knocking on Steve's door but hey,life happens,right?
A beautiful,Monday Morning indeed.