Discrimination

It's amazing you see,how movies move me to tears and how they end up inspiring me.Ok not all movies but there are some movies that if you watch and at the end of it nothing in you has been moved,there must be something terribly wrong qith you.I mean it.I'm watching called PRIDE.It's about some black kids who loved swimming but well its during the segregation time and it is times like these that make me happy to be a Kenyan.I kid you not.The blacks had it tough back in the day.What,with being looked down upon and being treated like less of humans just because of color?Madness.The sad bit is that some people are still so backward that they still discriminate.Yes,I call it barbaric that in the 21st Century,you should look down upon someone because of color or tribe.It's just down right backward.Sue me if you may but its the truth.I mean,what does my physic have to be with who I am?My character?See,I didn't send an application specifying which color,or country or tribe I wanted to be born as or at.I just happened and found myself here.So why not judge me on the basis of something that I actually have control over?No,I wouldn't have beef with you if you hate me because I talk a lot.Not that I am going to change for you but if it came to a matter of life and death,oh I would shut it if it will maintain peace because you see,I can do something about it.It may be hard but I can actually shut it!But what do you expect me to do about my color?Go bleach myself or something?Ok,so if I have a problem with you because you are white?What exactly do Iexpect you to do?Develop a bleaching cosmetic that can actually turn you black?Seriously.

I have come to learn that human beings don't really know how to handle something that is different from them.We usually shun that which is different,not wanting anything much to do with it.We walk away,try to scare it away.I mean our defense mechanism is never alert as when we are dealing with something that is different.I don't really know where it originated and frankly,I don't care.What I care about is how we can change that and learn to embrace and celebrate our differences.Yes,that is what I would like to invest my time into.Preaching love for thy neighbor and in realizing that a neighbor is not that person living next to you.you neighbor is whoever is next to you wherever you are.In the bus,at school,in the streets.Every single human being is a neighbor and hence we owe it to humanity to love each other.

It hurts and its degrading.It is not cool at all.Stereo types are not,have not and never will be cool.And I realize trying to preach this to the world and changing the world's perspective could take eternity,so I will start with that which I actually can change.I will start with me.I will start with me reaching out to someone different from me and actually embracing.I will face my fears and move ahead to have a drink with someone who I somehow never imagined I could have a drink with it.I will start with me loving my neighbor for they are,just as they are.And I think that could go a long way.Let me not be caught hating someone just because they are different from me.

If you can pledge to making friends with that someone you always looked at and thought 'Him?nah'power to you.you will actually be reducing the chances of another war.I mean it.Let love guide your decisions and light you path.

Wanna Change?Do it for yourself not for others!

Hallo. Ok,I don't know who exactly I am saying hallo to but it felt like a nice way to start so,Hallo.I have just learned a lesson that I think I will now never forget.I love reading and I have been reading books that are challenging me big time.You know,challenging my belief system and way of doing things. I'm finding myself askking very difficult questions.Wanting to face my fears rather than run away from them.I can feel myself change and it's awesome.One of the books is actually challenging me to move away from what I have always known and come up with my own truths.Not to do things just because that's how they have always been done but to do something because I actually believe that is how it is to be done.It is working people.I realize there's a lot of freedom in knowing why you do some things or why other people act the way they do.Ever heard of hurting people will always hurt others?Well,if you take time to check out all the people who have hurt you will find either they were hurting at that particular or they have been hurt before and they did not know what to do with the hurt and so unconsciously they have given the wound some power and hurt is all they know how to do best.Once you know its actually not about you,it saves you the drama of retaliation and all.Back to my lesson.

People,if you want to change,do it for yourself.Do it because you want to become a better person for you and not for someone else.That is the disease I have suffered with for a very long time and I have just found the cure,stop trying to please people.This is one of those goals you will rarely,if ever,achieve!See,the problem with wanting to change so as to please someone is that most often than not,the targeted party will rarely notice it!Yeah,the sad truth.Know how if you have been a party girl and here comes your mum who has complained forever and then you decide to do it for her peace of mind?You stay at home every other Friday and she may actually fail to notice it but wait until you do something wrong,what?I don't know as human beings we are too quick to condemn the negative and even slower to applaud
the good?A million pound question.

So,I have a job.A job that I know many people would love doing and just to have something to do,I bet they would give it their all.Now,on other occasions,I would deny this vehemently but truth be told,I am spoiled!I am a little spoiled brat!There I said it.Not because my parents own I don't what,I'm just spoiled!I grew up in Eastlands.Wait,where I grew up has nothing to do with me being spoiled or not.I promise you.There are guys who sleep in money but they are the most grounded people ever.So,how again am I spoiled?Well,I am a control freak and quite manipulative.Oops!Did I just say that out loud?Well,I am.I like my comfort and I like being in control of things.I don't like being caught off guard.The only surprises I can handle are like a surprise birthday party but not taking me to a meeting I had no idea about!With such character traits,when things don't go as planned,i throw tantrums!Seriously.Only those who know me well enough will just look at me and wait for me to cool down but for those who don't know that,it scares them away and so they end up giving in to me.So,how did I get to talking about me and airing my secret weapons in public?

So,I have a job.I work for a relative.Someone very close and at times it's very easy to take things for granted.Ok,it always is easy to take things for granted and almost rocket science to appreciate them.I just don't get us human folk but its ok.So,here I am feeling all indispensable and irreplacable until I found out I was!Shock!A shock that startled me to want to do something about how I have been treating my work.Yes,I agree,I have been very sloppy.Not doing things as required,not handling all my responsibilities.I mean,I was basically just doing it like as if I was playing house aka kalongo.And my boss had had it with talking and I was told I have a month to straighten out or I will be shown the door and being shown the door had a lot of implications on my life as a whole so I had to do something quick and fast!Back to my books,I realized I was doing more of a de-service to myself than anyone else and so I purposed to do all in my power to become better.To improve my out put.To know that though we related,business is about sales,not relationships!So I called up a pal who does business consultancy and told him I needed to be saved!My ship was sinking faster than titanic and I needed a life jacket or else...there was no room for or else.

I was all excited.I have at least made a positive step.Accepting I know not much about the business I was handling.I was now ready to learn and I had someone ready to teach me.Perfect.So,I am here all excited and I decide to share my excitement with my boss.Let him know what I was up to.How I was making myself better for the company.Telling him my plans of equipping myself so that I can be of value.The least I expected was a nod of agreement or at least a comment like,'Good to hear that.Let me wait to be surprised by the new you'.You know,something to that tune;something encouraging but all I received was 'You have been told this before.Hope it won't cost me any cash'.I mean,I felt so dejected.I was in shock for a while.I'm thinking to myself,'Is it so hard to just acknowledge that positive baby step without criticism or a reminder of how pathetic I was?' And let me school you on something never give a compliment then follow it with a 'but'.The but cancels everything else you had said before.Give the compliment then look for a way to approach the negative.

My bubble had just been burst.I was high on cloud two on my way to cloud nine and now gravity felt like it had invited its relatives and together they wee pulling me down so fast....I had tears ready to fall.I felt like not going ahead with the project of making myself more useful.You know,pity party but then I remembered something I had read and I decided you know what,I'm going to do this for me.No one else might see the importance.No one may cheer me on,I will cheer myself.Because you see,at the end of the day,it's really more a gift to me than to my boss or the company.Sure they will enjoy the benefits but not as much as I will.See,I woke up one day after so many complains and it hit me what a poor job I was doing and that is not what royalty are about.And I am a princess and so I wanted to change that and live up to who I truly am but somewhere along the line,I chose to involve others and that almost led to my downfall because it hurt to not get that encouragement from where I was hoping I would get it.It hurt so much and I wanted to call it quits.I wanted to stop and started thinking,'Well,maybe I should just wait and get fired' but the small voice inside said no.She said,it's not for anyone that I should want to be a better person but myself because only I know what pleases me the most so it will be ABC,123,to please myself!

I put my hide up,straightened my shoulders,did first aid on my burst bubble(writing) and I was back in the air flying towards cloud nine!My boss may not want to know what I do.He may just want his sales to go up and not really be interested about how I go about that and it's ok.At the end of the day,it is his money that I was playing around with.So,I understand where he is coming from and after all the warnings,if I was in his shoes,I also would not care much probably.So,I decided to not let that stop me from achieving something for myself.So,I got my focus back and reminded myself I was not doing it for anyone but for me and as that,the pleasure will all be mine.

Don't change because of people because when they let you down;when they don't notice the change,you are pone to be broken and stop the process altogether thinking it doesn't matter.Know like if you decide to stop drinking because of your child and something happens and they die,believe you me,you will hit the bottle with new found strength,because your reason for quitting is no more and now you won't be as motivated but if you do it for yo,now that's something because you are stuck with you.Every time you look in the mirror,you will see your motivating factor,ie you.And you are stuck with you,even in death.You are important enough to want to be better for you.Let the rest enjoy the benefits but by all means be the one with the trophy.See like Rudisha,he has Kenya all proud but none of us come any where close to the pride that he has for himself,coz he is the one with the award.So,whatever it is you have wanted to do that you think will make you better,do it for you.Don't lose that weight so that he can notice you,lose it because it's healthier for you and it will make you feel good about yourself hence boosting your confidence level making you even more attractive.Don't go to college to please your parents or friends,do it for you.Picture just how it will feel you being in your office and calling the shots.In short,whatever you want to do that will make you a better person,do it for you because somehow,other than God,you are the only other constant in your life!

ABUSE IS NOT OK..YOU ARE MUCH BETTER...

I heard over the radio one morning about a 25 year old married girl(she got married at 18)who's husband abuses physically.She said he did worse!That she knows he could kill her but she is going nowhere.She loves him.He is the first man she loved.I wanted to go where she was.Slap her to reality and get her out of that place by force but all I could do was just get angry and pray for moulding beauty's dream.

Many of us ladies in abusive relationships will tell concerned parties that they don't understand.They don't know just how this man is our oxygen and how we cannot possibly live without him.Wait?So,did he come and find you dead,like snow white,then by a kiss you came back to life and now you feel you owe him your life?Just asking.I guess I get mad about abused women who stay and stomach it because I sort of have an idea of what it's like to be used and abused.Now,abuse,whether it's from your man or friends is still abuse.Abuse cripples you.Abuse cripples then blinds you into believing that the abuser is your crutch,the one to support you.So you swallow the lie and you stay,because he or she is supposedly,the crutch you need,after he or she has broken you.

You stay because you believe that you don't deserve better.You stay because you are afraid of being alone.You stay because you think they will change.One day they will see the light,like Saul on his way to Damascus and they will be transformed to Paul and becoming loving and your prince charming...Seven years and still no change but you keep hoping.Yet when God asks us to wait for just a month or so,we are so agitated we go and do things our way.So why would you have so much patience with evil and not good?An abuser's strength is in knowing you are going nowhere.That's his spinach that gives Popeye muscles.And oh he will make sure you believe that.He will demean you by the name calling,by embarrassing you before his and sometimes your friends.He will do it so often that you end up believing it and once you believe it,it's like a spell.It's like you have been hypnotized and he is the one who has the magic wand!

So am I know advocating for a divorce?Not really.Just leave one day.Just pack your bags and leave.Go back to mama or somewhere.Just get out of that toxic place and don't tell him either.Or,you can leave him a note saying,"If you think I'm worth more than a punching bag,you will find me".It scares them I tell you.It causes a major shift in their worlds;an imbalance of sorts.They never saw that coming.They get angry.Very enraged.Because abusing you gives them some sort of power,now you have taken that away and they feel helpless.It will be hard but stay away.Give him space to think.Allow him to go through the motions of the emotions.Let him deal with his demons,away from you.And I promise you,the day you stand up for yourself,the day you will say enough is enough and not care if you will die single and just stand up for yourself.That is when your strength will come.That is when the spell will lose its power.That is when you will step outside and realize just how beautiful the sun feels on your skin after believing that it only burns you...It's like a breath pf fresh air and though you may have tears in your eyes,you will realize,there is a better world.

All you've got to do sweetheart is love yourself enough.Once you love yourself enough,you will know that you are worth so much more and that if he is too blind to see it,then he better go to hospital and get checked and treated and come back to you whole.Sweetheart,if you love yourself enough,you will not allow yourself to be some body's object,to be used at his convenience.When you love yourself,you will know what you deserve and that is nothing but the best and you will not settle for anything less.Set the standards for yourself honey.Let him match your game by upping his or let him walk.Confidence is sexy to men and only a man will approach a confident woman.A total man I mean.A man who knows his business.A man who knows quality when he sees it.A weak man will not dare come close to you and so you see,by loving yourself enough,you reduce the number of suitors and are left with those who will be able to handle you.

Don't let a man think that he is your everything.Don't allow him room to think that he can do anything and get away with it.Let him know though that you love and respect him but you would not think twice about walking out that door if he treats you any less than a princess because you are one.No I'm not talking about infidelity here.I'm mainly talking about physical which always leads to emotional abuse.You are worth so much more and oh how it breaks God's heart,when He sees you being treated like that.

Mine was not a man.Mine was by friends.Who treated me like a door mat.I had low self esteem.No I did not even have self esteem and so I needed someone else to define me.Someone else to give me worth.I did not trust God enough to do that and didn't I suffer or what?You know what they are doing is wrong.Other people see it and they tell you but you still stay.They go and trash your name,you get mad for a while,they pretend how sorry you are and because you are desperate and empty and fearful,you buy into the lie,knowing very well it is a lie.The tears I shed to God?And I love Him because He never left me.Every night when I called on Him to cry out my heart He was always there.He kept reminding me I was worth so much more but He never hurried me.He knew He had already planted the seed and now was just watering it and soon it would sprout.And sprout it did.One day I just stopped.I stopped hanging out with them.I walked away and guess what,I did not die.I'm still here and so much better.I had enough and they had taken everything.I had nothing to lose and so I walked.And to my surprise,there were so many lovely people who treated me so well I was wondering why I had wasted myself.Wow,it took a while to forgive them.But I don't want them as my friends.Acquaintance maybe but not my friends.

I have unfortunately,also allowed men to walk all over me.Mine has been the emotional kind.You know where you clearly adore a man but he will talk to you when he feels like?Eeehh,I also have a schedule.If I have to fit in yours then you will also have to fit in mine.At first you may not notice it but if you are a thinker like me.If you like analyzing things,then you are likely to catch on the trend before you get too involved.I always have time for you and when I don't,I make it but you,don't even make an effort.Well,if someone sees you as an option and you had them as a priority,it does not take forever to change those position.You don't need to go get an abstract.You just switch.It may take a while getting used to but with discipline to your new course,he becomes an option and before long,you don't even think about him any more.I have learned to embrace my mistakes and learn from them.I will tell myself"Girl friend you tripped...You liked him too much you almost did not notice..." And I will smile at my tripping,pick myself up,make changes and walk on.I'm not embarrassed to say I was a fool.I don't lick my wounds,I treat them.

Daily I am learning of my worth.Just how awesome and expensive I am.And daily I am letting go of people who don't see me as the princess I am.I do realize though that how the world sees me is a reflection of how I see myself.So I am upping my game.I ma saying that I will treat myself like the most precious stone ever,because I am.You will never find another like me so...I may fall sometimes.Like the other day I allowed you to treat me bad but my beauty is that I get back up and what does not kill you,makes you stronger if you choose not to let it break you.I don't pity party.OK maybe I do,alone but I am no longer afraid of my weaknesses.I flaunt them.Do what you will with them.You teach people how to treat you.So if you treat yourself well,others will follow suit.If you treat yourself like trash...don't expect the world to see you differently.

It all comes back to you.The ball is always on your court.Make the rules as you go. Remember,you are a jewel,you are treasure,you are one of a kind and you sine just as bright as the stars in the sky you're a rare kind of wonder created just right.keep your head up no matter the pain.there's nothing about you that's plain.

IT'S OK

It's OK
That you are not perfect
That you have flaws
That you've got weaknesses
And once in a while,
Temporal insanity.
It's OK

It's OK
That sometimes you cry
And other times you laugh
It's OK
That many are the times
You don't really know
Exactly how you feel
It's OK

It's OK that you get mad
That life sometimes disappoints you
That loved ones hurt you
That others leave you.
It's OK
That you feel like
Screaming your head off
Maybe jump off the cliff
It's OK

It's OK
That you have fears
It's OK
That you feel insecure
It's OK
That once in a while
You get jealous
As long as Cain
Is not your role model
It's OK
That you feel threatened
That you don't want to lose
A treasure beyond measure
It did take long to find
It's OK.

It's OK
That you got rained on
That the sun is scorching
That the cold is biting
That the storms are raging
It's OK.

It's OK
That you are single
That no one has
Asked you out yet
It's OK
She does not notice you
That he sees you
Just as a friend
It's OK
To love another so much
That they never see it though
It's OK
That you will be
Alone on valentines
It's OK

It's OK
That you don't always
Know what to say
It's OK
That at times
You are a Blondie
It's OK.

It's OK
It's OK
It's OK.

Life was not made to be perfected
You were not made to be perfected
Perfection existed in Eden
We messes that up
But we are still OK
So many pressures of life
Leave us feeling so messes up
Simply because we not in line
With society's idea of the path
The path that should be followed
From being born to dying
This is the point I agree
Rules were made to be broken

We all are different
Not by mistake but by purpose
And design
God thought it through
And He settled on
Black,White,Hispanic
Tall,short,dwarf
Fat,thin,figure 8
Blue,brown,green eyes
Doctor,Cobbler,Chef...
The differences are endless
Your path is not my path
Don't despise me because
Yours is tarmacked.mine is dusty
You just never know.

Don't respect my profession
Respect the person I am
You realize as a lawyer
You need me as a messenger
To do your walk smoothly
And save on time?
If you thought your profession
Is more important
Try eliminating me from the chain
And see how well a professional you will be
With no one to do my work.

It's OK that we are different
Imagine if our flag was just black?
Boring.very.
So don't try to make a digestive
To be a creamed biscuit
That is not it's fate.
If you don't like krackles
I'm sure chiggs may appeal
To your taste buds.

I at times get lost in my writing
But my main aim for this was
It's OK that life
Has ups and downs
That it is not perfect
And the day you wake up and realize
And accept the fact that it is OK
That life is OK
That's the day
You will start living life
Like you don't care!
It's OK.

XOXO
MB

don't waste your life....

OK Lord,I'm not mad at you or anything,I'm just a little overwhelmed.Another death within a week.Let's just say I'm not as strong as I think.It's hurting but it has me a little bit on an emotional roller coaster.I don't know what to think or feel really.
OK,time is running out.Definitely.For me,it feels like a warning sign.That it's time to put my best foot forward and play the game by the rules-His rules;God's rules.Time to start dreaming or continue dreaming.Heck,tomorrow is not in our hands.We do not have the luxury of pushing things that we can clearly do today to tomorrow or next week.Contradicting myself am I?I talk about dreaming then I keep you from looking forward to tomorrow?No.The two are totally different.Procrastinating is just plain laziness and irresponsible.Yes I said.It is.When you choose not to read for that exam,not because you can't but because you feel the t.v is more important.When you fail to call when you said you would not because you don't have airtime but,um,well...no reason at all.It's just us being spoilt brats.Those who think the world revolves around us.I mean seriously,what do we need to wake up?And what angers me more is that someone will read this,like it,comment on it but yet go back to living life like the king or queen we are not.Gosh am angry!Or maybe just scared,for myself really.I don't want to be on my death bed and regretting what I didn't do.The song unwritten,the missed audition,the words never said,the action never taken,i mean those things we just keep holding back for later....I think this is me reaching out.To myself and someone else interested,please don't waste your life.Please live today like tomorrow is not coming.Appreciate those around you.Be quick to forgive.I know that break up hurt.What,cheated on you?I'm not saying get back together.Just let it go and move on.Blame game,please.Gossiping,are you seriously that lame?I mean people,there is so much good for us to focus on than just hating and destroying each other.My Purple Butterfly left pieces of her in everyone ho met her.What do you leave in the people you meet up with daily?What if today was your last day,will people remember most about you?Answer that and work towards it daily....I can't write any longer...

Status quo 1

My teenage hood is a time I would love to forget.To erase it and have no memory of it whatsoever.From fake friends to threatening notes.I mean,it is a time I would just want gone but again God causes all things to work for good and yeah,some of the things I know now would be rocket science if I had not gone through those horror-like experiences and I don't fancy horrors!
It is not until the other day that I realized just what a big lie my life has been and I am glad I found that out because now there are changes to be made.Where I got messed up is my form two to four.I was a new student,and a beautiful one at that and I had no idea that my beauty caused so many insecurities.Now,this is the diagnosis that was arrived at,not by me but well...
I don't know where I went wrong but I joined drama club and the first outing I went for,the rumors that were born from it,I laughed them away.Now I am quite bubbly.I talk a lot and I like to think myself interesting and friendly oh and beautiful.I am probably being too much you think.Flaunting my beauty all over your face?That is not my intention.I won't apologize though,for something that I had no say over.I was not asked for my ideas when I was created so if you have a problem,take it up with God,not me.I am proud of my looks,I have to admit.I like it that I make heads turn.I do and that is the truth of the matter.Only that it went a little too far when those heads turning became my measuring sticks....
I think I will start with the horror before I move to the betrayal.A new student hated with so much hatred that I was threatened to be burned and poisoned.I was called all kinds of names and now I may be agree with my doctors that when I fell ill it was all psychological.What are you to do when you know not who your friend is,when your name is destroyed in a new school,when you become famous for all the wrong reasons?The whole staff of teachers knew who I was.And all these in my first year in the school.The principal I believe hated me.Her name was dragged in the whole mess and she has never felt so disrespected.Of course I was the victim but the teachers silently believed that I just love boys,which is true to some extent but not the way they understood it.
I was hated!The kind of hate that could kill you.The first was a note posted on the school notice board saying how I had sex with a preacher!On the school's notice board!If that was not enough,letters in my locker calling me a lesbian,a devil worshiper.I was advised,in the anonymous letters to go back to the school I came from.I was told I would be poisoned and I remember my class teacher making fun and telling me to make sure I rinse up my utensils before use.I did not understand what I had done so wrong that would make someone hate me so much.The next note was a threat of me being burned and that evening it so happened one of the bulbs in my class was faulty!
From there,I became the boyfriend snatcher!Me who had no boyfriend,maybe that was the problem?That I did not have a a boyfriend.A girl once confronted me as to why I was communicating with the boyfriend,who I had known not through her,who yes had tried hitting on me in her absence and who no,I was not interested in.She even told me how I was prettier than her and how she could not compete with me and how I should leave his man alone.My motto in high school concerning guys was "NO DATING".I couldn't stand having a boyfriend who I could only see during school functions and only communicate with via letters.That for me was not an appropriate way for going about a relationship so I kept off.Another low on my side was my flirty nature.I flirt a lot,till date but I am trying to cut down on that.But wait,how am I to know that someone is another's man if they don't tell me?Last I checked,I was no angel neither was I a psychic so really,your man flirting with another lady is the problem,not the lady herself,if she does not know!So I was a favorite topic.Ever on my high school's tabloid.And that broke me.It messed me up.Many would tell me how strong I was.Many would tell me how if they were in my shoes,they would have transferred;that was not an idea I could entertain,nor my family so I had no choice but to survive it.I ended up with some crazy complications.My doctors said it was my way of seeking attention and I remember the cruel words my principal spoke when they took me home because now I couldn't walk and it pained me so much.Maybe it was true,That somewhere deep inside,attention is what I sought.My teenage hood was messed by people who had their own insecurities and I so wish I was stronger.I so wish I has fought back but when it feels like the world you are living in is against you,the much you can do is cringe.
The masks I wore...Every morning I had a new one.I stopped living.I simply existed.I was so lost.I had no self esteem but outside I portrayed a picture of she who had together.God is the one who knew me because every night I would take off the masks and I would cry at the real me.At how hurt and injured and broken she was.I thank God I was saved.That I knew God because with all the pills I had,If God had not been by my side...
If that was not enough,those I thought were my friends,stabbed me in the back so many times.I had no self esteem.I had no self worth.I had no self respect.I hated myself and so I stuck with they who pretended to be friends yet treated me like doormats because I thought I was not good enough for anyone to want to be friends with me.Some cared enough to try and tell me that I did not need some people but they did not understand the emotions going on inside of me.They did not of my fears.They did not know the brave girl they were saying was all an act and that if I was to be challenged I would just crumble.So crap I took.The time I stood up for myself it was long after the damage was done and now i figured I had lost all I could lose and had nothing more to lose so what the heck.I decided even in my pathetic state,I could do without them and that I did.People,it is important to know who you are,to be proud of who you are no matter what anyone else thinks.Times that belief is what will keep you from drowning...like I did.
So,that is high school in brief.My worst years ever but also some of my good ones.I met some awesome people and they were my roses in the midst of my thorns but God was my hero and He still is.

STATUS QUO

So why is it that we live life in fear?Why is it that we say what we don't mean,do what we don't want?Why do we feel the need to be approved by someone else for us to feel worth something?Why so much pain within us and so much pretence as each morning we put on masks to hide our true selves from the public and act like we are different people?What is this need we have to be liked by everyone,yet even Christ Himself,was not accepted,approved,liked by everyone.He is perfect but still even that perfection was not enough for some of us.So what makes us think that our imperfect,flawed selves can be loved by everyone
For those of you who know my writing,I usually write from personal experience.Something that in one way or the other has affected me directly or indirectly.I think Lady Vio,will be a part of my life forever and she will appear in enough of my writings because she,at her death,made me realize the lie my life has been.I don't know how but somehow her life's battle after the accident just awaken something in me and I am glad it did.Discover your Destiny by Robin Sharma has also been challenging me.I found myself asking some very difficult but right questions.It is important for one to ask some questions.Find out why you do things the way you do them.Is it because that is how you were taught or is it because that is what you strongly believe in.As Robin sees it,some of the things we do simply because that is how we were taught to do them.Children are the most free of the human race.They are the most perfect.Children live the truth.Children do what they want,when they want,how they want and care nothing about what society thinks.A child will get away from its parent and run to the front of the church where the Pastor is and sit on the stairs there looking at him!We will laugh sweetly at such an action before the mother is asked to go get the child and somewhat they do it with embarrassment written all over their faces.Her very conscious of the eyes and the child very unconscious of everyone else.I think in a child's world,it is only they that exist.The rest of the world does not really matter.A child will walk naked and not feel anything.You as an adult may feel a little bit embarrassed but the child...After God's love,a child's love is the next purest perfect love.A child just loves.It does not care if the mother is a prostitute or the father a drunkard,it loves without conditions.I know my child hood days are my best days ever because indeed I had no worries and pressures like I do today.What mama chose for me to wear,I believed it was smart and I cared not.As a child,there are just so many joys of life and life is always full of color,never black or white or gray.It is always a rainbow of colors.And I miss that color.I miss that hearty laughter.I miss the smile.I miss the freedom.
I can't say when exactly I lost it.The freedom to be me but I lost it somewhere.When I started being conscious of those around me.When I started seeking approval.That is when I lost my authenticity and started becoming like everyone else.Getting comfortable with being average,not wanting to ruffle feathers in my quest to be different,yet different is how I was created.Different is how my Creator made me.I was not made to be like anyone else and so that is why my efforts to deny myself are so frustrating.Some things just don't work in a different environment but somehow this adopting thing has been taken too far that today I can adopt to not being the best me because everyone else around me is not being their best them.
All pioneers are people who walked away from the crowd,from the status quo and went in search of the greatness that lay within them.All pioneers are people who dared to walk where no one else had walked and live a trail.They refused to be mediocre.They refused to listen to what society was saying and they decided to make their own rules.As long as no law was broken and no one got hurt but it felt right to them,they went ahead and did what their hearts wanted.How many pioneers do we have?Very countable.And why is that?Because we are all busy trying to fit in tis little box that society has created for us.And who again is society?Who are these who decide what goes and what does not?Who gave them the authority to decide how far one can jump?Isn't it just you and me?Aren't we the ones who make up society?So we make rules to govern ourselves only they are rules of imprisonment.Rules that drain the color from our lives.And we are left with just black and white and gray.And in the name of adapting to our environment we live sad lives...
The Monk Who Sold His Ferrari is an awesome book.Julian Mantle,the man by society's rules had it all.The money,the fame,you name it.He lost his family though and his health and that led to him losing his career.He was reduced t choosing between his life and his career.He chose life and resigned from being a top shot lawyer and he sold everything he had and headed to India.His transformation is awesome.He gets to learn what is really important in life and status quo is not one of them.The day you get comfortable with your true-self,that is the day you will start living life.

Moulding Beauty: MY HEART'S DESIRES

Moulding Beauty: MY HEART'S DESIRES

MY HEART'S DESIRES

I am scared of being me
Scared of spreading my wings
And soar the high skies.
I am scared of being different
Scared that the me inside
Will go against the status quo
I am scared of letting go
That maybe I will fall
Scared of letting love
What happens if it hurts?

I need to pour out my heart,care not if you will love me still or not.I am tired of playing life by society's rules.Tired of being told what I can and cannot do.What is appropriate and what's not.What is in fashion and what is out dated.What business is it yours anyway,if i choose to dress in a bell-bottom.As long as I am not naked,should it really matter?
There is so much inside of me.So much that I want to share with the world but there is also so much fear inside.Fear of whether my dreams will come to materialize but then again,who's to decide that if not me?See,if I have a project that is growing stale with each passing day.I want to bring back smiles to the faces of the IDP's of Kenya.I want to do something for them.Maybe just go visit and chat with them,especially the young ones.To hears them out.Find out their dreams and see how I can bring back hope to them.I realize,I don't have the right to forget them.I don't have the right to turn my back on them and act blind all because I have a roof over my head and even after the post elections,my life is still moving on.I refuse to be OK with it while they are out there in tents,some not even done with the trauma.Some who still have sleepless nights.I refuse it with all my strength.Deep inside my plans are great.And with Vio gone,I realize its never too early to do something and maybe I should call the project Lavender Smiles.She had the most beautiful smile ever and her departure reminded me I don't actually have forever.So,I want to do this.And this time I will start.I will take the first step and find out how many they are.Find out which area I can start working with.The ones badly off first.I will turn this dream into a reality and anyone who reads this,I allow you to be my accountability partner.To keep asking me what I'm doing.The progress I have made.I will do this and yes with your help,Lavender Smiles will touch lives.
Cancer is next on my list.A dear friend is fighting cancer.And I have watched a few cancer movies and I kid you not,cancer is a monster!Have you ever heard of treatment making you sicker?That is exactly what chemo does for you.The pain is unbearable and anyone fighting cancer is a hero for it not child's play.No.I watch extreme makeover-home edition and one of the families chosen had an eight year old child who is suffering from cancer.It hit her when she was six.She fought it and had gone into remission-this is when like the cancer cells have somewhat disappeared and now that she was eight,it was back.When they found out,the girl cried to her mama and asked her to let her die.She was scared of the path she knew she had to walk because she had been there before.The chemo and radiation and losing of hair,it all was too much for her and she felt,at that moment,that death would have been fairy land.She cried a lot for a week or so before she embarked on the fight.At eight,she has a blog,where she communicates with other young cancer patients.She donates toys to the paediatric wing for cancer every now and again.At eight and do you know what she said keeps her strong and going,prayers.Now that would break any one's heart.Yet there are so many,so many with the disease.In the States it is the number one killer,in Kenya,it is the third and is competing for the top slot and the way it is menacing,it might just get there.Cancer is painful.I have only read and heard and seen but I kid you not,you wouldn't wish it even on Osama.Not until someone close to me was fighting it did I get passionate about it.There is something that is stirred within you when its someone you know who is going through something and not just someone out there.Stand Up to Cancer is an initiative by the celebrity world in States to try and raise funds for research on cancer treatment that is not as painful and a possible cure.I was amazed when I watched it,to find out how many of our favorite holly wood stars have actually survived cancer.Cancer does not choose.And it is October,can we all go get tested?It is easier to fight it if detected early enough.Love yourself enough to just go get tested.
Now I am emotional...I don't know how but somehow I want to help bring this monster down.I want to...can I take time from my supposed busy schedule and go visit someone suffering from cancer?Just to sit there and let them know someone cares?Can I get toys and go visit the children fighting cancer,I mean,they should be fighting in their video games not on the hospital bed...Can I just choose to make a difference?Yes I can.And I will.
You can join in for there is strength in numbers.You can look for your own cause of humanity and go change the world.Help someone else be a little bit more comfortable than they are.You can make the difference.

A crush gone bad.......

My mama has always taught me not to quit but I think it is important to concede defeat when you have indeed been given a knock out.I've read it a number of times in the Songs of Solomon "Young women of Jerusalem,promise me by the power of deer and gazelles never to awaken love before it is ready."(2:7)If only I had paid attention to a woman who lived many years before me and who knew what she was talking about then maybe my heart wouldn't be hurting as much as it is right now and maybe my tears wouldn't be flowing so freely and maybe....But maybe cannot help me now.Maybe will not take away this pain I feel tearing at me right now.Maybe will not remove the dagger of rejection that is so deep in my heart...Maybe cannot,it cannot keep me from what I feel right now.

I decided to make my interests known only to be answered by silence.No reaction whatsoever.My efforts to do damage control seem to have propelled the fire even more and now it seems even the friendship that had started is slowly being consumed by the fire that I started.Now I am not as confident as I was.Now there is no talk of "I speak my mind.I tell the truth.You deal with it!"I did ask him to deal with it as he wished,so why again am I sad,mad and all these emotions going through me?This is his way of dealing with the news he received and I just got what I asked for,only not in the package I wanted it in.

It hurts.To try and fail.It hurt that it is over before it even started.It hurt because I still think about him.Because I still dream of him.Because I still long to hear his voice call my name or laugh.It hurts because I still like him and I don't know what to do with these emotions.I opened up my heart to an opportunity,only it was the wrong time and now I'm harvesting what I planted,in the wrong season.Why does it have to be so damn hard?I wish I knew what he thinks of me now.It would do me a lot of help but knowing him as I do,I won't.So I have to work with my own emotions and thoughts.

They say loving hurts but not loving hurts more.Why am I talking about love?I don't think this is love.This is just me liking someone who clearly likes me not back!And it is quite frustrating.Now I know how it feels.For all the guys I have turned down.At least I let them know my stand.I just don't....Ok,let me not say anything that could be used against me in the courts of relationship!So now I quit and I know you agree with me.I can't run a race I don't know.I just can't show up at the race track...Ok,so maybe that's exactly what I did,started running and then halfway,I realized,I had no idea what race I was running and now I am quitting.I surrender.I shall not hold on to nothing anymore-if that is even possible-to hold on to nothing I mean.

I get the message loud and clear.I shall not stalk you anymore with my text messages or face book inbox and updates.I still have my pride.A wounded lion will still roar,though in pain.So I take a bow.I accept defeat where I know that the winning depends not on me.I think I have fought a good fight and once this pain is dealt with.I know I will look back and smile at myself.For going after what I wanted at the time!I will look back and smile that I did not just sit back and wish upon a shooting star.I will smile that I was courageous enough to make my thoughts known.I will smile that I took a risk.At least now I know and I won't be living in the land of "What if?" or "I wish I knew".I took a risk and for that I will forever be proud of myself.

I'm down but not out.This is not the end of me.I will not pen my future to two or three bad experiences,no.I will surge on forward in search of this precious thing called love and some day,love and I will bump into each other.While on a journey,you are bound to be met with barriers you had not anticipated.You overcome them and continue on.You don't park beside a pothole and start crying because you were not prepared for it.So,I guess I knew it could go either way and someway in my heart I wished it would have ended the other way but it is ok.Such is life.

Will I cry?I doubt it.Writing is my therapy and I think I'm much better now than when I started.Right?So what if this is me still jumping into conclusions?What if he still needs time to decide?Well,what if he comes back and says he's been thinking and....Well,we shall cross that bridge when we reach it,right?For now,let me get back to reality.

Talking of reality...Anyone looking for actresses or do you know of somewhere I could go for auditioning?Yeah KNT but when exactly.If you can get me the info,I'd appreciate it.This is for real.

xoxo,
MB.

CELEBRATION OF LIFE!!!!!!!

Moulding Beauty is my baby.Moulding beauty is my platform to use the gifts so freely given by God to touch someone's life,maybe inspire them.Moulding Beauty is my channel of sharing my thoughts with the rest of the world.Miss Emily Wasonga,God bless your soul for lighting my path for me.For allowing God to use you to be my guide.Thanks a lot.
Life is truly beautiful.Even when we going through some trying moments it never loses its beauty.Today i choose to celebrate my life.It has been full of ups and downs,it still is but i love it all the same.Times I just wanna scream my head off,times I go like being dead right now would be better than living but I take back those words very fast because I know it's not what I really want.At least not now.I still have work to do.A lot of work.So I celebrate all my failures,my losses and triumphs.I celebrate my joys,tears,laughter and pain.I celebrate it all and thank God for the path He chose for me.True it is different form everyone else and I love that it is unique just to me.Like Abraham being asked to sacrifice his only son,that was his path and God knew he had it in him to obey that is why no one else in the Bible was asked to do the same thing.So my life is unique.The things I have been through,I doubt any one else could have survived.Some have said I am strong,especially in high school but I knew it was He who lives in me that gave me the strength to got through...
I have had moments I wished to die.I have at some in my life contemplated suicide because I thought life was too cruel for me to bear another blow but God never let go of me and I am here to share my story with another and let them know if He did it for me,He most certainly can do it for them.I realize that death will eventually catch up with me,there's no need of helping it out because as sure as death itself,when the time comes,it will not delay,so let me not do other people's work while no one is doing mine!
Life trials come to build us up and make us stronger.They come to teach us a lesson that we need at that point in time and at time it is painful,very but if we do not concentrate too much on the pain and try to analyze the situation,we will find that after the rain and storm,the sun will always shine again.After the tears,you will indeed laugh again and once you get a hold of the lesson that the pain you are facing was meant to teach you,you move on to the next stage of your life and life is a journey that we must travel and every step takes us closer to our destination so do not be afraid of the trials that come your way.Remember,what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger and if you take an honest look at your life,you will realize that during those trying moments,you thought you was finished but hey,you still here so that must count for something.
I have had my battles.I have lost enough but I have also won many.Identity crisis must have been my greatest war but hey,all you need is to hear me speak and you will know that I now know who I am.I have an idea of what my purpose in life is and I am loving who I am just as I am.I know I am beautiful,no,drop dead gorgeous and I do not wait to be told though if you do tell me,I appreciate the fact that your taste is as good as mine!lol.I know I have what it takes to accomplish all my heart's desires(currently im just lazy but I got it in me)one of my favorite songs of all time is Samantha Mumba's don't need you tell me Im pretty to make me feel beautiful...and Zoe Girls' Plain(I'm not sure that's the title),forever 17 and I believe in you...Kirk Franklin's Imagine me and Le Crea's Identity.If you listen to all those songs you will know what they have in common and that is part of what I stand for as a person and what Moulding Beauty is supposed to be all about.
I have grown.Indeed.After living in different houses with different people,family and friends,because I felt misunderstood by some.I believed I wanted my freedom and all these have build me up.At least now I have a pretty good idea of where I would want to bring up my family...Now,I have some sort of stability and it feels so amazing.To be sure that I will be in one place fro at least a year or so...It is awesome.I have discovered a a lot about myself and as they say,there are many ways to kill a cat and so instead of wait for other to understand me,I choose to understand them.It simplifies things and reduces the tensions and fights.
I have had love and lost it and well,it is a painful thing but I also helpful.It somehow opens your eyes.When you love and don't get love in return.When you are loved and you don't love back.It's all so crazy but I purpose to see the glass as half full and not half empty.To smile because it happened and not cry because it ended.So what if where it did not happen?Well if I can't smile it did not happen than I'm sure as heaven not going to cry about it!I have openly expressed my liking to some guys and scared them aware like very fast and I smile about it.My philosophy is,I won't wait for a man who does not seem to notice I exist to come around.Call me desperate or whatever name you want to but what makes me sleep at night,right?I will tell you if I like you,to know if there's room for anything to grow or not.If not,you will be stored in the friends' cabinet and there you will stay for the est of my life unless God intervenes.I don't have my whole life to wait for a man,only for him to send me a wedding invite.Where does that leave me?I know,you have a lot of questions about my philosophy.I shall discuss it in length some other time but for now,be content with it.
My life as a born again someone is my identity.Christ gives me my identity.I know,you are probably thinking,'What?'Yes I am so saved and I love it.I have failed in many ways.I have fallen short of His glory-I still do but it is in my closet,when its just me and Him,that's where I draw my strength;my source of inspiration.That is where I find the meaning of life.If you look closely at me,you will see the sign "WORK IN PROGRESS" and that work will end the day I either get caught up with Him in the air or rise from the dead so don't be in a hurry to see me attain perfectionism.It definitely will not happen in this lifetime.
I love my life and today I celebrate it.Join me in an invincible toast to life if you too are proud of the milestones you have achieved so far.
Have a lovely day.

xoxo
M.B.

Moulding Beauty: Just Be.....

Moulding Beauty: Just Be.....

Moulding Beauty: Just Be.....

Moulding Beauty: Just Be.....

Just Be.....

Today,my friend is getting married.I am not going for his wedding though coz i got to work!now,i feel like i am dying a slow death.Feels like I am getting suffocated only I don't know by what?State of hopelessness.I try to look for answers but all I get are more questions...I wanna break down and cry,like properly cry but I can't.I'm at work and I don't want to have to explain my tears.Can't we at times just see someone cry and let them be believing that if they need our help they will probably ask for it?ok,my moods are all over the place.I wanna cry and not have to explain why.I wanna let the rain fall on me without anyone bringing me an umbrella or asking me if im ok.I just wanna get soaked!I want to take a long walk to nowhere in particular,barefoot if possible and just walk.I would love to be at a swing with a friend on the next swing,just swinging slowly with no exchange of words.I just wanna be.no words,no sounds,no music,nothing.just to be.can i get that?

of roses and thorns.....

Life has not always been a bed of roses neither has it always been a bush of thorns but a mixture of both.To get to the roses,I have mostly had to go through the the thorns and the roses have always given me inspiration to pass through the the thorns and though at times I get pricked,I have learned the science of first aid or a visit to the Doctor's,get the wound treated and bandaged and then back to the thorny bush yet again.

It takes a while to learn how to appreciate life's challenges.To embrace them as one's teachers as opposed to one's enemies!It is an art that must be mastered.Though not a must,it is safer for you to realize that challenges and difficulties and trials,don't come your way to show you how weak you are but to make you stronger.Ever wondered why that one challenge always comes your way?Well,its because there is a lesson for you to learn there and if you do not learn,it will keep coming your way till the day you do!Sounds boring right?Well,why not just sit down,take time with the situation,keep off pity parties and become a scientist in your own right and make a discovery about why?Try and figure out what keeps taking you to that same road,to that same pothole,to the same puncture,on the same tire?You would rather take time sweeping the dirt on your carpet and collecting it rather than pushing it underneath because it shall collect and the day you will have to.it won't be a pretty sight or a fun experience either!

it took the Israelites 40good years round the same mountain for them to finally learn the lesson.Now,the Israelites back in the day used to live long,nowadays you do not have the luxury of taking too long in one spot.And life is not school.You know at school,there;s only enough number of times that you can be allowed to repeat a class before even the teachers quit on you.Life never quits on you.It will bring you the same exam over and over till the day you pass it or the day you leave it i.e. you leave life in other words,die.

Is there a recurring problem in your life?It is crying for attention.It wants you to stop ignoring it and take time to attend to it.And you will be grateful you took the time!If there is a problem that I took a while to solve it was one of the male species!These people gave me a ride of my life that just drove me insane.How I am normal to this date,It is the grace of God.(ok,it wasn't that bad)

So,I matured before my time.Got its up and down sides but I got over it and embraced it as the only life I will ever have ,so,when life gives you lemons,make lemonade,that's what I did.Any way,I had made a vow of no dating in high school!Like no relationships and woe unto you if my mind is made up on something,I just don't burge but that does not mean I did not flirt.Oh my gosh!If ever there was an award for the greatest flirt,I would have won it a couple of times.Now,maybe I was not as excited about boys as my fellow girl students were because to me they were not a new phenomena or discovery.I have always had them around.I have 5brothers,my primary school had boys in it,so really?Ok,at first,I just used to look at some girls and wonder,'All that just so as to get his attention?Even you are better than that' but I came to appreciate the fact that not all of us grow in the same environment hence for them this was just an awesome discovery,so I let them be.I just had my fun watching the live drama!

So,I did have proposals,I mean,I am a sight to behold,fearfully and wonderfully made in the image of God.You think that's bragging?It's me being confident in the fact that God did an awesome job with me.Everything He created He saw it good and that includes me!So,let me not start on that now but you will definitely read it here sometime.I did get proposals,which I always did turn down,because of my solemn vow. There are some who were convinced I was their girl friends,I guess whatever makes you smile?Any way,I had my fun flirting and being accused of stealing peoples men and this right here is a whole lecture on itself so I shall not go into it!Ok just one mention,your man or woman does not get stolen from you,they just don't fight to stay with you.They just allow themselves to be swept by the wave.Oh and know that if I meet your man at a party and I have never met him before,unless he tells me,I have no way of knowing if he is hooked or not so don't bring your drama to me but go deal with your man!

Those were just by the ways.I was hated because of men i never really had but well,that's life,I guess.So,I had my fun flirting around and then finally high school was over and my contract with single hood was over,unless I was interested in renewing it?I didn't give it much thought and what?The dam had burst and the water just came gushing out!Now my drama with men began!

My first boyfriend,(names with held for security reasons)had first asked me out while I was in class 8 or form one but then,the contract above had already been signed so...I told him if he could wait till I finish high school,then,maybe.And shock on me!When I finished high school he was there!Now,anyone who was with me in high school knows what a cray time I had there and not good crazy...Anyway,by the time I left,I was a wounded girl.Very wounded inside.With no self esteem but you don't go airing out your dirty linen in public,now do you?So to the outside world,I had it all together but deep inside I was in pieces...Story for another day.So now,I did not believe in myself and...I can't give the prescription before the diagnosis!

So,he asked me out again and I figured,'why not?'So I said yes.It lasted six months before i call it quits!What happened?It just did not work.He loved raving,I have never raved(and don't plan to)I loved church,being a born again someone.We just had a lot of clashing.It reached a point,I couldn't take it any more...The events that led to our break up were very very interesting.

So,I had been thinking about breaking up for a while,only I did not know how to do it because I did not want to hurt him.So I was still buying time...On my birthday,he decides to tell me that his ex is pregnant with his child!Yeah,that's how insensitive people can be.Triple C was the way I went about it...Cool,calm an collected.Now,I believe I will end up in a psychology class at some point in my life because the way I have people figured out?It's not even funny.I think I just pay attention to the small things in life and those,I have come to learn,carry a lot of secrets...So,the way he was casual about it,the environment he told me in...something was a miss.I decided to play his game.I told him it's ok.That we would work it out once the bundle of joy came but that I was not going to leave him.I mean,that was his life before me,so....

I went and shared it with my friend and how my heart was troubled about how that story was fake?And the truth came to me.There was no pregnant ex.He had spotted someone else and wanted to get out the easy way.You know,he had planned on me acting out,slapping him and causing all kind of drama?Now I know I am a drama queen but I don't waste my drama,otherwise it will become boring.Oh,but when I heard there was someone else,now that was drama right there.Now you need to know I was not hurt that he had a side dish,my pride was wounded.How could he?Me of people?And that was worth drama only he went into hiding...To cut the long story short,I broke up with him,through the phone...Not my ideal way but he went into hiding,what was I to do?

This whole drama was an ice breaker!So 6months later,that was gone.Now,the rest of the relationships had a life span of at most,three months and after a couple of guys,I figured there was something wrong!And while I'm on the wrong things,let me just mention,saved and not saved,deadly combination.Don't sneer,it's true.I dated a whole string of anti saved guys in the name of I will influence them and convert them to believers...never happened!But I did pray with one but this was after we were broken up!Truth of the matter is one of you will have to give up their beliefs for the sake of the other and a smoothness in the relationship.In my case,I was not giving up the one thing that really defined me,my relationship with God and neither were they giving up their ways so conflicts always arose and this is because we are both operating under different rules.It's either one gives in or conflicts will be a part of your relationship.Now,I do not like things that mess with my piece of mind and a relationship that seems to be chocking the most important relationship in my life is something I do not need.So you wonder why I kept going out with guys who were not saved time and time again?Yeah,the day I started wondering that is the day I started asking questions and my scientific research started.Trying to figure out why it is I felt like I needed to have a man around...You thought I had forgotten about the roses and thorns?Nope.There always more than one way to get to your destination.I decided to take the long route.I figured it would be more interesting,we would get to see more things and if you have been keen,you have two or three things that you have picked that I hope will affect you positively...

So,the million pound question,Why do I feel the need to have a man around me?hmmmmm....Stick around for part two and you will found out!

xoxo
Moulding Beauty.

Today I wanted to talk to you
Needed to tell you
What was in my mind
Needed to share with you
What was almost driving me crazy
But no,you were not around
I couldn't call you
It is almost end month
I'm broke as hell
I couldn't e-mail or inbox you
You were not online
I knew not when you would be
It didn't matter
I needed you now.
I couldn't walk to your home,
Well,maybe if I owned a jet,
I would've flown to you.
I just wanted your hand to hold
Your voice to hear
Your arms to embrace
Your ears to listen to me
Your shoulder to lean on
But you are so far away
I know if you could
You would have come to my rescue
And its ok
I will find a way
I'm not mad at you
Just a little bit sad
Coz now more than ever
The distance between us is real
I can almost touch it
And right now it hurts
Because I want you near
But I will be ok
I will find a way out
For your love in my heart
Always has and even now will
Guide me through this
For I know where you are
You constantly have me
In your thoughts and prayers.
I will be ok.
Though I wish you was here
But as humans we are limited
And that is life!

special dedics to one Wasongalet.love you bff.i just mi

Love overlooks all......

Love.the one topic we never get tired of.Maybe it is because we are products of love?I don't know but you and I get all excited whenever this four letter word is heard.So I shall talk about love...

A t the end of the day,we all hope to find that someone who we will love and will love us back and live happily ever after...Ok,the happily ever after depends on what side of the coin you are focusing on.Some of us actually want the fairy tale kind of happily ever after,ok most of us but reality checks in and wakes you up from your slumber and lets you know that happiness is a choice that needs to be made every morning despite what is happening around you.Hence,you can have a fight with that someone you love and it will sort of hurt but you can choose to still smile;to not go to bed mad at each other an that will become your fairy tale.Not without flaws yet the imperfections make it perfect.

Focus girl.the aim of this note was not to teach people how to love each other but rather.....
We all have our lists of expectations for that person we will say 'I do' to and even those who we will date.Some its tall dark and handsome,others its tall thin and gorgeous,yet for others as long as he knows how to dress and drives,we don't mind having that title of their baby girl.Ok dudes,don't look at me funny,I don't really know how your lists look like coz I am not a guy and I have not done research so that's why the she is being mentioned more.

So,you have the list of all the physical and material but you realize that you would also want that person who makes you feel like a million pounds.Wouldn't it be great if they came as a complete package?I know.That's why it times is difficult to choose.Tom has the looks,Dick has the finances and Harry has the heart or should I say love...Wouldn't it be much easier for Rick to be the three in one?Yeah and that will always happen...in your dreams...

So what happens when you meet this person,who does not meet your list expectations but you realize every time they enter a room,they take your breath away and when they call out your name,you feel like Cinderella and what about when their skin brushes against yours?The electricity happening is unbelievable.What happens when instead of tall he is short,Instead of thin,she is curvy,instead of rich,he is a hustler?What happens when you want to have tea and you get coffee instead and as you take it you realize just how awesome it is?What happens then?What happens when you find yourself loving someone who is nowhere near your list?Do you let the love flow or do you keep reminding yourself of the things you are looking for that they don't have,so that somehow it will bother you enough to move on?

Well,i realized that love at the end of the day is what matters.Why?you ask sarcastically.Because love will hold you together when everything else fails.When the beauty fades and the one pack settles in.When the job comes to an end and the cars have to go,same to the house.When all these things fade away,you realize that love will still keep you together but when love vacates,even with all these other things,the void becomes too much to handle and sooner rather than later,you will throw in the towel and go your separate ways.

I once loved someone.I had not planned on it.He definitely did not fit my list in the looks department...especially the height.Now i had never imagined myself with a guy shorter than me.How is that even supposed to work?There is some magic with a guy taller than me or maybe its just an illusion...it definitely is.Well,its just a matter of liking my bread buttered rather than toasted?So,i met this guy and we got to be friends and what,every time i was with him,he made me feel special and he listened and paid attention to me and above all,he knew me!I was taken aback!He was melting the ground under my feet and soon i was smitten!Ok,I kept thinking about the height issue and people modeling is one of my secret loves and heels once in a while ain't a bad thing but now this meant I had to be careful about the shoes to wear when I was with him?It bothered me for a while but what he lacked in the height department he compensated for in the personality department and when the sun set at the end of the day,i realized the personality or heart department was more important.It had more weight and that is when i started being ok with wearing sandals while with him and soon enough it was not an issue and even i shocked myself!

That's what love does to you.It sort of blinds your eyes to some things and helps you see others clearly.Well,he and i didn't go far but I am glad for that experience because it made me realize what really counts.Now,I am not saying give up on your list,im just saying be careful not to miss the diamond because it looks a little bit dusty...Now of course if a guy came in a convertible,I don't care how much better your car would be,in my world a convertible is like the epitome of all cars,so the rest don't thrill my life...I'm sorry,nothing personal,but if the convertible is all he has to offer and I've got this other route 11 guy who treats me like a princess...oh i may curse for a while...maybe contemplate mugging or something but realize a ride in a matatu with a man who loves me is worth so much more than a ride in a a (i'm in denial)in a convertible.There I said it.I learned it the hard way but it is a lesson that will keep me from missing the real gem next time.

So people,love does make you over look some of those little things that you think are so important.It makes you over look the fact that he snores or she is a clean freak.Love does not blind you of the weaknesses of the other person,it only gives you the ability to overlook them without feeling like you are being denied something.It helps you accept the other person just as they are.

Call me a hopeless romantic(that ain't news)but at the end of the day,ask anyone who has been in love and they will tell you that when all is said and done,what really matters is what your hearts are feeling and saying.

So,i just need to love you.Get me to love you and the rest will come second or not even appear.Get me to love you and the convertible won't be a problem.Get me to love you and that ultimately translates to me loving you just as you are.That is true love,When I know your weaknesses and faults but still I choose to be with you without trying to change you.To love you just as you are!

Comments very much welcomed,opinions and questions.Now it is one o'clock.Oh,it is Sunday already.I need to go and get my beauty sleep and wake up refreshed and ready for church.Have a love full day!

xoxo,Moulding Beauty.

THE BIRTH OF MOULDING BEAUTY...

Hey.Moulding beauty here.Now,been a very long while since i was here.The other day, thinking about moulding beauty and my hope for it,i realized i started on the wrong foot.Let me get back on track.
Moulding beauty is a name my best friend Emily gave to me back in form one.Now,i don't really know how she came up with it or why but i liked it and took it up.At first it was like a pet name,using it to sign off my poems and all but I had no idea it would turn out to be the one thing I would love so so much.So,second form came(ie in high school)and Emy had moved to Botswana and I moved to a new school.I was excited to join this school,maybe because it reduced or shortened the distance between my parents and I.Little did I know the drama that awaited me.I know you are probably wondering why I am telling this whole story but be patient.There is always some light at the end of the tunnel!
I was the new kid in the school and wow,my new classmates were awesome.I mean the way they welcomed me and all,it was amazing.I was at home before the week was over.And to y'all,you know yourselves,God bless you.So,there was drama club and basketball that had me interested.Fortunately or unfortunately,i couldn't do both,so I had to choose one.Well,those who know me know just how much i love drama and so there was nothing like being at the crossroads.Drama it was.
The part i got was sort of being wanted by two or three other people and I got it.Now,I don't know if this got people angry but we shall see why I am wondering about it.So we managed to reach the provincials and while there,we met with some of the young brothers who used to bring the gospel to our school.The other thing if you know me,you will definitely know is that I am as talkative as the word itself.After our performance I went to sit where my fellow schoolmates were and these two brothers of the gospel were there.I got a seat between them and as I later came to find out,that did not sit well with a couple of people.When we went back to school,there were rumors...
Rumors were circulating about me and one of the brothers.Apparently,we was busy talking about love instead of watching the other performances.Shock on me but this was me.The one who was too fly to be affected by gossip.Yeah right.I let that slip away.Didn't let it bother me.That was first term

Second term came with its fair share of drama or shall I say it was the mother of all drama?And this is where I started breaking down,piece by piece until pieces is all was left of me....to be continued.

WHY??????????????

A lot of questions about my life I have.Am I doing what I do because i believe in it,because others think I should,because everyone is doing it?What is the reason behind my waking up in the morning,getting out of bed and going to work?Is it because it's my sister's business,is it because i need the money,is it because i don't have anything else to do so it keeps me busy?Do I enjoy it?Why am I with him?Is it because i like him or perhaps love him or well,probably I will grow to love him?Is it because he is sweet,is it because all my friends are dating,is it because I am scared of being alone,Is it because I'm scared of somehow losing out on something,is it because I don't want to be the one to regret?Why do i still have her as my friend?Is it because I'm scared she may go and tell the whole world about me,is it because I'm not ready for the whole process of opening up to a new person?I s it because...Why do I want to go to college?Is it because I'm going to learn more about that which brings me satisfaction?Is it because society expects me to?Is it for social status?Why do I drink and smoke and sleep around?Is it because I'm looking for acceptance?Is it because I don't believe I am all that by myself,hence I need some help for me to face the world?Is it because I am rebelling against my parents?Am I trying to prove a point?To who exactly?So,why do I go to church?Is it because I believe in doing so?Is it just an act of obedience to God?Is it because I enjoy being in church?Could it its because I get to see him there?Is it another place for me to get to meet knew people?Why do I want that car and not this one?Why do I want to live and not there?Why do i feel the need to dress in designer wear?Why can't I do that job but this one is ok?Could it be I'm afraid people will see the job I do and pass me,the individual?

The list could be endless.I'm just at this point in life where I want to know why I do the things I do and feel what I feel and...I just want to know the why behind every action of mine.Why,I think it will make me more responsible and aware.It will let me know if I am being true to myself or if I'm just moving with the masses.Because you see,I don't want to be on my deathbed with tears in my eyes,mourning the life I could have but did not live because I just followed the masses.I want to be at my deathbed and smile at a life well lived.See,all the people we strive so hard to please now that we are alive won't be the ones we will have to face when we are just about to breathe our last,it shall be that person you see,every time you look in the mirror.So what now,am I trying to say that we are not to live for God but ourselves?far from it because what God wants for you,if you take time to think about it and be honest you will realize,is exactly what you want for yourself!
God knows your strengths and weaknesses.He is very familiar with your dreams because He created you and with those desires as well.If anything,He has the blue print so that when you feel lost,you can go back to Him and found out what the next step is supposed to be.

All these emotions courtesy of Robin Sharma and his book,Discover your Destiny and the small fight my sister and I had this morning.Got me thinking,which got me writing.take time and ask yourselves these questions and be honest with yourself,if nothing else,at least you owe yourself some honesty.Find out the reason behind the things you do daily,those that have become a habit,you don't even think about them before doing them.Ask yourself why and search deep inside for the answers.As Robin says,there is a place called the Choice point.That after you have sought the truth and found it,you got to decide whether you will continue in your old ways or if you will be courageous enough to follow the truth.And what is the truth?

The truth is that most of us live our lives to please everyone else but ourselves.Truth is,if we were brave enough to be ready to walk alone,we wouldn't be doing the career we are doing,we wouldn't be dressing or talking the way we do,we wouldn't be going to some of the places we got to,we wouldn't be in that relationship where we are not appreciated,we wouldn't be a lot of things that we are today.If only we had the courage to stand up to some of these people,some of these beliefs.If only we were courageous enough,we would be enjoying our every day life like no ones business.We would take a walk in the rain and enjoy it.We would not have the perfect hair but still walk confidently.We would not own such and such but still look like we own the world because we would just not care what that other person thinks or says.We would be freed from all the masks we wear every morning as we go out to meet the world.

I can almost picture myself.Doing that which I wanna without thinking of whether you will accept me or not.To know that I am beautiful and awesome and handsome and amazing just as I am.To know I am all that by myself.That God did not create junk but someone with a purpose and a reason and that this world needs me to be a complete puzzle,that is until my time is done.Can you take a second and imagine the kind of life you would have if you did not have all the cares you have?

Well,let me stop here and think about that world.Imagine it for myself and decide which side I will be leaning on or should I say living on.Let's catch up.One love.

DaTiNg

The last post i wrote was supposed to be about insecurities but it ended up being about something totally different.Kindly bear with me.So,today,i went for an interview for a certain gospel show and let's just say nervousness got the best in me and i did mess up.i forgot what im supposed to be going to do in Campus,like seriously.Now,when I enter the room,one of the panelists asks me to make them laugh and i think,what???????I don't do stand up comedies and of course with the nervousness....Advice,always try to be yourself in such things as much as possible!

Is it so wrong to want to hear from your boyfriend like very often?Ok,at least once in a day?I am missing someone but i gave him time out to think about us and be honest if he really wants me in his life like right now.Wow,this is hurting but well...I have been reading a lot about dating and what I have learned is that most of us rush things.You see the first step ought to be you and me getting to know each other with no strings attached!Just getting to know your likes and dislikes,your values and all but nowadays we don't seem to have the time.Most rush to physical intimacy and of course as a person,you are so much more than your physic and when you have that someone you think is special,you would want something more than just cuddling and petting and sex.We have confused love with sex and we think the two are the same but no.Ever wondered why,after getting sexually intimate with that person you barely knew,you ended up feeling so empty?Well,if you thought sex is equal to love,better think again.My advice,abstain,get to know someone first.Like who they truly are.

Ok,I don't know what is happening to me today.Im just feeling detached so lemi pick it up from here next time.More about dating.Maybe its coz of him....
thanks for reading through.laters!

INSECURITIES

Wassup y'all.Hope you are well and living life to the fullest.So now you already know what moulding beauty is all about or at least you have an idea and as you frequent this page,I believe you will get to be part of MB's vision of having everyone live
their best life now,just as they are.

This is a personal project that was ignited by personal experiences and I realized that these experiences were and are not unique to me alone but so many other people,have been there,are there and will be there.Some of the things I went through could have been easier or avoided all together if I could have had someone talk to me about them or something but hey,it's not such an easy thing.Talking about our darkest times I mean.We sort of feel exposed and no one really likes that position,so we keep them to ourselves,But you know what,once you have gone through something and learned the lesson,it's no longer of use to you but it definitely will be to someone who is on the same path,hence the need to share.

Why I created the blog is so that anyone who chances upon it may read something that will somehow encourage them or challenge them or better still,warn them.Now,I am not perfect and those who know me can attest to that!That is why I need you to also come on board for us to build each other.

So I hope we shall be able to grow together.mwaaaaahhhh

the place where real issues are handled by real people living in a real world with a need to keep it as real as possible.