What is that i am passionate about?like really?i am the kind of person who when i get passionate about something,i can defend it with my life.So what am i passionate about at this point of my life?I care about giving.I wanna make a difference in the world around me.How?I have advised myself time and time again only i have never started and it hits me I will have me to be embarrassed at,on my death bed as I reminisce on the difference I would have made if only I had taken the step.
I am scared.Nothing new.Fear never accomplished anything though so clearly I'm in the wrong camp.So,how do I get out?By taking a step of faith.By taking action.By doing something.It may not seem as much now but Rome was not built in one day.I have a dream.A dream to impact the youth in my country and ultimately the world over.I have all these ideas that I think are great but as long as they do not say the light of day,they are as good as dead.I'm starting to think God will stop giving me all these great ideas and start giving them to someone who will actually do something about them.I do not want that.I know I have what it takes.Act is all I need to do.Face fear in the face and smile as I walk past it.
There was a girl who said she was thinking of committing suicide because her boyfriend had left her.Haven't we all been there?At the point where a relationship died and we felt like we have died with it?The point we felt like the sun would never rise again or we would never be able to smile again?And for the ladies,we shed tears(at least for those of us who are highly emotional) and we never thought that our eyes would dry up?I mean,we have all been at this valley.When someone we would have 'caught a grenade for' just walked out of our lives,either because of a mistake we felt we could work through or without an explanation whatsoever.And we mourned.And we did a lot of things that now we look back at and laugh.Because we are now either married to our soul mates or going out with the most awesome person ever and you wonder why you spent all that time mourning?But mourning is good.I think it's healthy,just don't let the emotions get the best of you because emotional decisions rarely bear good fruits.
There is a quote that says,'don't cry coz it ended,smile coz it happened,'but it is difficult right?To smile in the midst of a heart break?Well,i think whoever came up with this is one of those people who look at the glass as half full instead of half empty.Admit that you will miss the person and the moments you shared and be honest enough with yourself to know you will never share what you did with anyone else.Be grateful for the good times and have Karen's attitude,from Big brother Amplified,that people are always somewhere for a reason and a season and when both run their race,not even tears can bring them back.It is not easy but it all starts from the mind.The attitudes that you have towards life.What is that they say,'what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?'And does not feel like that at the moment of the end of something beautiful but hey every exit is an entrance to somewhere,so smile.You can shed a few or a lot of tears,but don't let them drain you.Pick yourself up and remember your worth and happiness are not tied to any specific person other than yourself.Do not allow someone to stop your life while theirs is continue.Let go as soon as you can,it's a favor to yourself then move on.
I like how,at times I start writing on one thing and end up with a totally different story.I guess writing is one of my passions.But honestly,I will think and pray about it and I will let you know what I come up with in terms of my humanitarian efforts are concerned.
Ciao.
MB.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
my low self esteem reservoir
You actually don't need anyone to like you.You only need to love yourself and the rest will sort themselves. MB
A quote I just came up with in the middle of my evening tea and me thinking about certain people who say we are friends yet I seem to be like a stalker in their lives as I can write five texts with no response or call and they don't pick yet when I call with a different number they pick up.I have for the longest time lied to myself that I am just a nice person who understands people and today,while taking tea,it hits me like lightning,that my persistence comes from a place of insecurity.Wanting to be liked by all I say a word to and hence going to very low levels just to appear like the kind of person you would want in your life.
I have an amazing man.I mean,he is helping me re define myself in an amazing way that makes me love him the more.Had a date with him yesterday and he mentioned something to do with my excessive communication being read as desperation or stalking.It was not easy to hear,tough love they call it but hey,its making me better so I will swallow my pride and work on it.
I have been a victim of low self esteem.Been there,done that,got a t shirt ain't proud to wear it but yeah.And i thought I was passed it but clearly,I just had it made up for it to look less ugly than it really is but I never really dealt with it. Why do I say this?When you hold on to friend/relationships that only you are putting any effort in,there is something very wrong.It's the manifestation of the saying 'Don't make someone your priority while you're just an option'.Hard as it is,this is what I have been doing and it ends here!See,that quote above,makes a lot of sense to me now.We struggle so hard to make people like us and it's not like they will add any value to our lives.Now don't get me wrong,but you can't tango by yourself.Cannot happen and when you find your partner not there on the dance floor with you,and he/she can dance,it simply means that enjoy dancing with you and no matter how great you are,if they don't feel you,they just don't feel you.Let it go and move on.It is ok.You don't have to be close with the entire world.You can be acquaintances with some and it is all good.I mean,even Jesus had close friends among his disciples so you see,you can't click with everyone.
A very important lesson.You need to be comfortable in your own skin and not allow anyone to take that away from you,ever.You need to be your number one fan.Know yourself inside out.Know your strengths and weaknesses.This helps you to know what you can and cannot handle and allows you not to feel guilty when you say no.God is the one and main Person whom you need to work so hard to please.The rest,well,do your thing and let it be their issue to take up with themselves if they don't like what you're doing with yourself.Of course,there are boundaries.As long as what you are doing is legal.
It ain't easy.Especially if you don't think you have what it takes,when you doubt yourself.But I can assure you,God did not give you the spirit of fear neither does he enjoy you being a door mat.If it's love you're looking for,turn to him and let him love you beyond what you ever thought possible.Easier said than done,right?Well of course but again nothing good comes easy and you coming from a life of bondage to one of freedom is something good for your mind,body,spirit and soul so hey,go for it.You will live a happier life that way.
I stopped this business of saying it's difficult and it's hard and I nowadays tell myself 'You know what life is difficult.Most of the things we do are difficult so don't tell me what I know.All I need to know is,is it possible?If it is,that's where I will put my focus!'So,have a meeting with yourself.You do know you can't lie to yourself,right?Get real with yourself and face your fears and weaknesses head on.That's the only way to deal with them.Analyze your life subjectively,and since here we are talking about loving oneself,and being comfortable in ones skin,find out the reason behind your actions.Answer the question,'why?' for the things you do and find out if it is all coming from a place of some dark fear and if it is,deal with.Not the easiest thing to do but you will be doing yourself a big favor.
I have shared one of mine with you.Holding on to people who let me go a long time ago or who never even held me.And I have realized it comes from this well of low self esteem that I had once dug but never covered properly and now that I know this,I am working towards changing it and thus the quo9te above.Of course knowing that just as much not everyone can like me,not every one can hate me also.So it's balanced.And from today on,I choose to focus on those who actually like me.Those who are glad to be my friends and don't find me too much.I will focus on them and build on what we have and the rest,well,I promise to say hi when our paths cross on the street.I promise.
Love yourself.You are worth so much more.
Over and out!
MB.
A quote I just came up with in the middle of my evening tea and me thinking about certain people who say we are friends yet I seem to be like a stalker in their lives as I can write five texts with no response or call and they don't pick yet when I call with a different number they pick up.I have for the longest time lied to myself that I am just a nice person who understands people and today,while taking tea,it hits me like lightning,that my persistence comes from a place of insecurity.Wanting to be liked by all I say a word to and hence going to very low levels just to appear like the kind of person you would want in your life.
I have an amazing man.I mean,he is helping me re define myself in an amazing way that makes me love him the more.Had a date with him yesterday and he mentioned something to do with my excessive communication being read as desperation or stalking.It was not easy to hear,tough love they call it but hey,its making me better so I will swallow my pride and work on it.
I have been a victim of low self esteem.Been there,done that,got a t shirt ain't proud to wear it but yeah.And i thought I was passed it but clearly,I just had it made up for it to look less ugly than it really is but I never really dealt with it. Why do I say this?When you hold on to friend/relationships that only you are putting any effort in,there is something very wrong.It's the manifestation of the saying 'Don't make someone your priority while you're just an option'.Hard as it is,this is what I have been doing and it ends here!See,that quote above,makes a lot of sense to me now.We struggle so hard to make people like us and it's not like they will add any value to our lives.Now don't get me wrong,but you can't tango by yourself.Cannot happen and when you find your partner not there on the dance floor with you,and he/she can dance,it simply means that enjoy dancing with you and no matter how great you are,if they don't feel you,they just don't feel you.Let it go and move on.It is ok.You don't have to be close with the entire world.You can be acquaintances with some and it is all good.I mean,even Jesus had close friends among his disciples so you see,you can't click with everyone.
A very important lesson.You need to be comfortable in your own skin and not allow anyone to take that away from you,ever.You need to be your number one fan.Know yourself inside out.Know your strengths and weaknesses.This helps you to know what you can and cannot handle and allows you not to feel guilty when you say no.God is the one and main Person whom you need to work so hard to please.The rest,well,do your thing and let it be their issue to take up with themselves if they don't like what you're doing with yourself.Of course,there are boundaries.As long as what you are doing is legal.
It ain't easy.Especially if you don't think you have what it takes,when you doubt yourself.But I can assure you,God did not give you the spirit of fear neither does he enjoy you being a door mat.If it's love you're looking for,turn to him and let him love you beyond what you ever thought possible.Easier said than done,right?Well of course but again nothing good comes easy and you coming from a life of bondage to one of freedom is something good for your mind,body,spirit and soul so hey,go for it.You will live a happier life that way.
I stopped this business of saying it's difficult and it's hard and I nowadays tell myself 'You know what life is difficult.Most of the things we do are difficult so don't tell me what I know.All I need to know is,is it possible?If it is,that's where I will put my focus!'So,have a meeting with yourself.You do know you can't lie to yourself,right?Get real with yourself and face your fears and weaknesses head on.That's the only way to deal with them.Analyze your life subjectively,and since here we are talking about loving oneself,and being comfortable in ones skin,find out the reason behind your actions.Answer the question,'why?' for the things you do and find out if it is all coming from a place of some dark fear and if it is,deal with.Not the easiest thing to do but you will be doing yourself a big favor.
I have shared one of mine with you.Holding on to people who let me go a long time ago or who never even held me.And I have realized it comes from this well of low self esteem that I had once dug but never covered properly and now that I know this,I am working towards changing it and thus the quo9te above.Of course knowing that just as much not everyone can like me,not every one can hate me also.So it's balanced.And from today on,I choose to focus on those who actually like me.Those who are glad to be my friends and don't find me too much.I will focus on them and build on what we have and the rest,well,I promise to say hi when our paths cross on the street.I promise.
Love yourself.You are worth so much more.
Over and out!
MB.
Monday, July 11, 2011
First steps.....
Progress made.Had a talk with my sister.got to know where she is coming from and what her thoughts are and that information has so helped me and now I know what direction to take with my three month probation.I'm gonna make SMART goals.Specific.Measurable.Attainable.Realistic.Time Bound.I'm going to up my game.Not going to talk about it much other than here.I want people to feel and see the difference,not me talk about it.So,my sleeves are rolled up and change is on the way.
First stop.
Attitude Change.
I am working on my attitude.I am letting go of the past.It's not doing anything for my present nor my future.Oh,yeah,its doing something,messing them up.That's not what I need.So yeah,what happened happened,I can''t do much to change that so I'm packing my bags and shifting.I am moving.I will only look at my past when I am looking for lessons learned in a certain situation.I will not use it to cripple me or to make excuses why I am not doing what I need to be doing.I am taking responsibility.Accept when I am wrong and just take up responsibility.
Step two:life does not revolve around me.Not everything that happens is about me.I have been too self centered and the problem with that is that you end up noticing even things that need not to be and you make a big deal out of everything,even an ant hill turns into a huge impossible mountain.I have lost the respect and possible support of some close people and I plan to get that back.I have to humble myself and play by the rules and things will work smoother.I have been operating on emotions and I need to start using my mind to think.
So,a lot of decisions to be made and i know i will make it.
Toodles
Yeah,name for my blog page.
I shall call her Beauty.
First stop.
Attitude Change.
I am working on my attitude.I am letting go of the past.It's not doing anything for my present nor my future.Oh,yeah,its doing something,messing them up.That's not what I need.So yeah,what happened happened,I can''t do much to change that so I'm packing my bags and shifting.I am moving.I will only look at my past when I am looking for lessons learned in a certain situation.I will not use it to cripple me or to make excuses why I am not doing what I need to be doing.I am taking responsibility.Accept when I am wrong and just take up responsibility.
Step two:life does not revolve around me.Not everything that happens is about me.I have been too self centered and the problem with that is that you end up noticing even things that need not to be and you make a big deal out of everything,even an ant hill turns into a huge impossible mountain.I have lost the respect and possible support of some close people and I plan to get that back.I have to humble myself and play by the rules and things will work smoother.I have been operating on emotions and I need to start using my mind to think.
So,a lot of decisions to be made and i know i will make it.
Toodles
Yeah,name for my blog page.
I shall call her Beauty.
Saturday, July 9, 2011
CLEANING UP MY CLOSET:TIME TO GROW UP,LET GO AND MOVE ON.
So,I have a lot of thinking to do like within a three month period and I'm not sure where to start but I will figure it out.So,i have a lot of growing up to do.I have had major drama in my life,given and I have figured,drama is like the spice of life and it will always be around so my best move would be to just let go and move on.I have been playing the victim card for way too long and I'm allowing the past to mess with my present and almost blur my future and so I need to get a grip of things,deal with them,clear up my closet and start a fresh.
I have a man who loves me so much.How do I know?well,he is completely honest with me.He tells me the truth about stuff,even those that are scary.Even the truths that threaten to break and mess things up,he says them and I love him so much for that and I can assure you,tough love makes you grow.It makes you wanna get better.It makes you do things you didn't think you could do.Tough love is good.It does not feel like it when its being said but hey,it always does work.I have a girl friend from hell,i think,for the past 6months and I need to clean myself up,not just for him but more importantly for myself.I have decisions to make;a lot.About where I want this life of mine to head and it's a little scary.Walking towards unfamiliar grounds but hey,no one has ever died from it.At least I do not know anyone who has died from them.So I will be fine.
I love my best friend.She opened this blog page for me.She is the other human being who gives me tough love at times I feel she knows me better than I know myself.And it is good.It is healthy.To have such people in your life.Because when you feel you cannot move another inch,they will be there to tell you you can because they know you so well that they know what you can and cannot do.I am glad I have this blog.For the next three months it will be my best friend.I am glad that not many people read it because some things are best done under cover.While I know there are people who check it out.And if you read this forgive me for calling you random.I do not know you though and that makes it easier for me to just write without the worry of who's reading and what they are thinking.This is a journey that is long over due but hey,better late than never and so I'm packing up and gearing up for it and this time round,no matter how hard it gets,I shall not stop or turn back.This is it.This is the fight for my life;for my future.If it's got to be,it's up to me(sky dancers say that whenever they are going to fight skylux.or some other danger)So I am excited.I know I have the backing of the most important people to me so I am great.
Let me go back to my current obsession,Private Practice.Catch up with you later and maybe,just maybe,I shall name my blog page so I can refer to it(haven't decided if its male or female) whenever I come to write.
Toodles.
P/s:no numbering the days.No keeping a record,just writing.
I have a man who loves me so much.How do I know?well,he is completely honest with me.He tells me the truth about stuff,even those that are scary.Even the truths that threaten to break and mess things up,he says them and I love him so much for that and I can assure you,tough love makes you grow.It makes you wanna get better.It makes you do things you didn't think you could do.Tough love is good.It does not feel like it when its being said but hey,it always does work.I have a girl friend from hell,i think,for the past 6months and I need to clean myself up,not just for him but more importantly for myself.I have decisions to make;a lot.About where I want this life of mine to head and it's a little scary.Walking towards unfamiliar grounds but hey,no one has ever died from it.At least I do not know anyone who has died from them.So I will be fine.
I love my best friend.She opened this blog page for me.She is the other human being who gives me tough love at times I feel she knows me better than I know myself.And it is good.It is healthy.To have such people in your life.Because when you feel you cannot move another inch,they will be there to tell you you can because they know you so well that they know what you can and cannot do.I am glad I have this blog.For the next three months it will be my best friend.I am glad that not many people read it because some things are best done under cover.While I know there are people who check it out.And if you read this forgive me for calling you random.I do not know you though and that makes it easier for me to just write without the worry of who's reading and what they are thinking.This is a journey that is long over due but hey,better late than never and so I'm packing up and gearing up for it and this time round,no matter how hard it gets,I shall not stop or turn back.This is it.This is the fight for my life;for my future.If it's got to be,it's up to me(sky dancers say that whenever they are going to fight skylux.or some other danger)So I am excited.I know I have the backing of the most important people to me so I am great.
Let me go back to my current obsession,Private Practice.Catch up with you later and maybe,just maybe,I shall name my blog page so I can refer to it(haven't decided if its male or female) whenever I come to write.
Toodles.
P/s:no numbering the days.No keeping a record,just writing.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
I'M SORRY
I barely slept last night
I kept turning and tossing
I wanted to call you
I knew you wouldn't pick up
I texted you
Knowing full well
You wouldn't reply
I know I hurt you
By my words and actions
Probably you just need time
To cool and calm down
And I miss you terrible
I long to hear you call my name
To look into your eyes
Feel the love in your touch
But I won't push you
As painful as it is
Take the much time you need
I will wait
I will do my time
I hope you will
Find it in your heart
To forgive me
And come back home.
I kept turning and tossing
I wanted to call you
I knew you wouldn't pick up
I texted you
Knowing full well
You wouldn't reply
I know I hurt you
By my words and actions
Probably you just need time
To cool and calm down
And I miss you terrible
I long to hear you call my name
To look into your eyes
Feel the love in your touch
But I won't push you
As painful as it is
Take the much time you need
I will wait
I will do my time
I hope you will
Find it in your heart
To forgive me
And come back home.
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