my low self esteem reservoir

You actually don't need anyone to like you.You only need to love yourself and the rest will sort themselves. MB
A quote I just came up with in the middle of my evening tea and me thinking about certain people who say we are friends yet I seem to be like a stalker in their lives as I can write five texts with no response or call and they don't pick yet when I call with a different number they pick up.I have for the longest time lied to myself that I am just a nice person who understands people and today,while taking tea,it hits me like lightning,that my persistence comes from a place of insecurity.Wanting to be liked by all I say a word to and hence going to very low levels just to appear like the kind of person you would want in your life.
I have an amazing man.I mean,he is helping me re define myself in an amazing way that makes me love him the more.Had a date with him yesterday and he mentioned something to do with my excessive communication being read as desperation or stalking.It was not easy to hear,tough love they call it but hey,its making me better so I will swallow my pride and work on it.
I have been a victim of low self esteem.Been there,done that,got a t shirt ain't proud to wear it but yeah.And i thought I was passed it but clearly,I just had it made up for it to look less ugly than it really is but I never really dealt with it. Why do I say this?When you hold on to friend/relationships that only you are putting any effort in,there is something very wrong.It's the manifestation of the saying 'Don't make someone your priority while you're just an option'.Hard as it is,this is what I have been doing and it ends here!See,that quote above,makes a lot of sense to me now.We struggle so hard to make people like us and it's not like they will add any value to our lives.Now don't get me wrong,but you can't tango by yourself.Cannot happen and when you find your partner not there on the dance floor with you,and he/she can dance,it simply means that enjoy dancing with you and no matter how great you are,if they don't feel you,they just don't feel you.Let it go and move on.It is ok.You don't have to be close with the entire world.You can be acquaintances with some and it is all good.I mean,even Jesus had close friends among his disciples so you see,you can't click with everyone.
A very important lesson.You need to be comfortable in your own skin and not allow anyone to take that away from you,ever.You need to be your number one fan.Know yourself inside out.Know your strengths and weaknesses.This helps you to know what you can and cannot handle and allows you not to feel guilty when you say no.God is the one and main Person whom you need to work so hard to please.The rest,well,do your thing and let it be their issue to take up with themselves if they don't like what you're doing with yourself.Of course,there are boundaries.As long as what you are doing is legal.
It ain't easy.Especially if you don't think you have what it takes,when you doubt yourself.But I can assure you,God did not give you the spirit of fear neither does he enjoy you being a door mat.If it's love you're looking for,turn to him and let him love you beyond what you ever thought possible.Easier said than done,right?Well of course but again nothing good comes easy and you coming from a life of bondage to one of freedom is something good for your mind,body,spirit and soul so hey,go for it.You will live a happier life that way.
I stopped this business of saying it's difficult and it's hard and I nowadays tell myself 'You know what life is difficult.Most of the things we do are difficult so don't tell me what I know.All I need to know is,is it possible?If it is,that's where I will put my focus!'So,have a meeting with yourself.You do know you can't lie to yourself,right?Get real with yourself and face your fears and weaknesses head on.That's the only way to deal with them.Analyze your life subjectively,and since here we are talking about loving oneself,and being comfortable in ones skin,find out the reason behind your actions.Answer the question,'why?' for the things you do and find out if it is all coming from a place of some dark fear and if it is,deal with.Not the easiest thing to do but you will be doing yourself a big favor.
I have shared one of mine with you.Holding on to people who let me go a long time ago or who never even held me.And I have realized it comes from this well of low self esteem that I had once dug but never covered properly and now that I know this,I am working towards changing it and thus the quo9te above.Of course knowing that just as much not everyone can like me,not every one can hate me also.So it's balanced.And from today on,I choose to focus on those who actually like me.Those who are glad to be my friends and don't find me too much.I will focus on them and build on what we have and the rest,well,I promise to say hi when our paths cross on the street.I promise.
Love yourself.You are worth so much more.

Over and out!

MB.