A crush gone bad.......

My mama has always taught me not to quit but I think it is important to concede defeat when you have indeed been given a knock out.I've read it a number of times in the Songs of Solomon "Young women of Jerusalem,promise me by the power of deer and gazelles never to awaken love before it is ready."(2:7)If only I had paid attention to a woman who lived many years before me and who knew what she was talking about then maybe my heart wouldn't be hurting as much as it is right now and maybe my tears wouldn't be flowing so freely and maybe....But maybe cannot help me now.Maybe will not take away this pain I feel tearing at me right now.Maybe will not remove the dagger of rejection that is so deep in my heart...Maybe cannot,it cannot keep me from what I feel right now.

I decided to make my interests known only to be answered by silence.No reaction whatsoever.My efforts to do damage control seem to have propelled the fire even more and now it seems even the friendship that had started is slowly being consumed by the fire that I started.Now I am not as confident as I was.Now there is no talk of "I speak my mind.I tell the truth.You deal with it!"I did ask him to deal with it as he wished,so why again am I sad,mad and all these emotions going through me?This is his way of dealing with the news he received and I just got what I asked for,only not in the package I wanted it in.

It hurts.To try and fail.It hurt that it is over before it even started.It hurt because I still think about him.Because I still dream of him.Because I still long to hear his voice call my name or laugh.It hurts because I still like him and I don't know what to do with these emotions.I opened up my heart to an opportunity,only it was the wrong time and now I'm harvesting what I planted,in the wrong season.Why does it have to be so damn hard?I wish I knew what he thinks of me now.It would do me a lot of help but knowing him as I do,I won't.So I have to work with my own emotions and thoughts.

They say loving hurts but not loving hurts more.Why am I talking about love?I don't think this is love.This is just me liking someone who clearly likes me not back!And it is quite frustrating.Now I know how it feels.For all the guys I have turned down.At least I let them know my stand.I just don't....Ok,let me not say anything that could be used against me in the courts of relationship!So now I quit and I know you agree with me.I can't run a race I don't know.I just can't show up at the race track...Ok,so maybe that's exactly what I did,started running and then halfway,I realized,I had no idea what race I was running and now I am quitting.I surrender.I shall not hold on to nothing anymore-if that is even possible-to hold on to nothing I mean.

I get the message loud and clear.I shall not stalk you anymore with my text messages or face book inbox and updates.I still have my pride.A wounded lion will still roar,though in pain.So I take a bow.I accept defeat where I know that the winning depends not on me.I think I have fought a good fight and once this pain is dealt with.I know I will look back and smile at myself.For going after what I wanted at the time!I will look back and smile that I did not just sit back and wish upon a shooting star.I will smile that I was courageous enough to make my thoughts known.I will smile that I took a risk.At least now I know and I won't be living in the land of "What if?" or "I wish I knew".I took a risk and for that I will forever be proud of myself.

I'm down but not out.This is not the end of me.I will not pen my future to two or three bad experiences,no.I will surge on forward in search of this precious thing called love and some day,love and I will bump into each other.While on a journey,you are bound to be met with barriers you had not anticipated.You overcome them and continue on.You don't park beside a pothole and start crying because you were not prepared for it.So,I guess I knew it could go either way and someway in my heart I wished it would have ended the other way but it is ok.Such is life.

Will I cry?I doubt it.Writing is my therapy and I think I'm much better now than when I started.Right?So what if this is me still jumping into conclusions?What if he still needs time to decide?Well,what if he comes back and says he's been thinking and....Well,we shall cross that bridge when we reach it,right?For now,let me get back to reality.

Talking of reality...Anyone looking for actresses or do you know of somewhere I could go for auditioning?Yeah KNT but when exactly.If you can get me the info,I'd appreciate it.This is for real.

xoxo,
MB.