MY HEART'S DESIRES

I am scared of being me
Scared of spreading my wings
And soar the high skies.
I am scared of being different
Scared that the me inside
Will go against the status quo
I am scared of letting go
That maybe I will fall
Scared of letting love
What happens if it hurts?

I need to pour out my heart,care not if you will love me still or not.I am tired of playing life by society's rules.Tired of being told what I can and cannot do.What is appropriate and what's not.What is in fashion and what is out dated.What business is it yours anyway,if i choose to dress in a bell-bottom.As long as I am not naked,should it really matter?
There is so much inside of me.So much that I want to share with the world but there is also so much fear inside.Fear of whether my dreams will come to materialize but then again,who's to decide that if not me?See,if I have a project that is growing stale with each passing day.I want to bring back smiles to the faces of the IDP's of Kenya.I want to do something for them.Maybe just go visit and chat with them,especially the young ones.To hears them out.Find out their dreams and see how I can bring back hope to them.I realize,I don't have the right to forget them.I don't have the right to turn my back on them and act blind all because I have a roof over my head and even after the post elections,my life is still moving on.I refuse to be OK with it while they are out there in tents,some not even done with the trauma.Some who still have sleepless nights.I refuse it with all my strength.Deep inside my plans are great.And with Vio gone,I realize its never too early to do something and maybe I should call the project Lavender Smiles.She had the most beautiful smile ever and her departure reminded me I don't actually have forever.So,I want to do this.And this time I will start.I will take the first step and find out how many they are.Find out which area I can start working with.The ones badly off first.I will turn this dream into a reality and anyone who reads this,I allow you to be my accountability partner.To keep asking me what I'm doing.The progress I have made.I will do this and yes with your help,Lavender Smiles will touch lives.
Cancer is next on my list.A dear friend is fighting cancer.And I have watched a few cancer movies and I kid you not,cancer is a monster!Have you ever heard of treatment making you sicker?That is exactly what chemo does for you.The pain is unbearable and anyone fighting cancer is a hero for it not child's play.No.I watch extreme makeover-home edition and one of the families chosen had an eight year old child who is suffering from cancer.It hit her when she was six.She fought it and had gone into remission-this is when like the cancer cells have somewhat disappeared and now that she was eight,it was back.When they found out,the girl cried to her mama and asked her to let her die.She was scared of the path she knew she had to walk because she had been there before.The chemo and radiation and losing of hair,it all was too much for her and she felt,at that moment,that death would have been fairy land.She cried a lot for a week or so before she embarked on the fight.At eight,she has a blog,where she communicates with other young cancer patients.She donates toys to the paediatric wing for cancer every now and again.At eight and do you know what she said keeps her strong and going,prayers.Now that would break any one's heart.Yet there are so many,so many with the disease.In the States it is the number one killer,in Kenya,it is the third and is competing for the top slot and the way it is menacing,it might just get there.Cancer is painful.I have only read and heard and seen but I kid you not,you wouldn't wish it even on Osama.Not until someone close to me was fighting it did I get passionate about it.There is something that is stirred within you when its someone you know who is going through something and not just someone out there.Stand Up to Cancer is an initiative by the celebrity world in States to try and raise funds for research on cancer treatment that is not as painful and a possible cure.I was amazed when I watched it,to find out how many of our favorite holly wood stars have actually survived cancer.Cancer does not choose.And it is October,can we all go get tested?It is easier to fight it if detected early enough.Love yourself enough to just go get tested.
Now I am emotional...I don't know how but somehow I want to help bring this monster down.I want to...can I take time from my supposed busy schedule and go visit someone suffering from cancer?Just to sit there and let them know someone cares?Can I get toys and go visit the children fighting cancer,I mean,they should be fighting in their video games not on the hospital bed...Can I just choose to make a difference?Yes I can.And I will.
You can join in for there is strength in numbers.You can look for your own cause of humanity and go change the world.Help someone else be a little bit more comfortable than they are.You can make the difference.